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JAS
02-28-2007, 08:37 AM
I'm co-hosting a meeting next week and need some help. I'm supposed to tell a joke, then introduce the next speaker. Anybody know of any good somewhat clean jokes to tell?

Homer
02-28-2007, 08:41 AM
Mr. Burns is so incontinent ...

silverfox
02-28-2007, 08:42 AM
Have you seen _________'s new secretary? I doubt she got the job because of her brains. (laughter)

Tybo
02-28-2007, 08:47 AM
April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims! Hahahahahahahaha :shake2:

Jables
02-28-2007, 08:50 AM
JUNE BUGS!

atomic
02-28-2007, 09:02 AM
I'm co-hosting a meeting next week and need some help. I'm supposed to tell a joke, then introduce the next speaker. Anybody know of any good somewhat clean jokes to tell?

http://users.aol.com/fcas/jokes.html

Many are cheesy, or just bad. Quite a few of them apply to nearly any quantitative profession. :shake2: I did like #46 and #86, though.

rekrap
02-28-2007, 09:10 AM
http://users.aol.com/fcas/jokes.html

Many are cheesy, or just bad. Quite a few of them apply to nearly any quantitative profession. :shake2: I did like #46 and #86, though.

Sounds like you liked #117, as well. :lol:

udjw828
02-28-2007, 09:11 AM
Any joke about some people heading into a bar...

Agent Michael Scarn, FBI
02-28-2007, 09:12 AM
What's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?

JMO
02-28-2007, 09:12 AM
Have you tried this thread (http://www.actuarialoutpost.com/actuarial_discussion_forum/showthread.php?t=35768&highlight=jokes)? There's got to be a good one in there somewhere.

atomic
02-28-2007, 09:15 AM
Sounds like you liked #117, as well. :lol:

:toast:

Jables
02-28-2007, 09:15 AM
What's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?
RN

Sold-out
02-28-2007, 09:43 AM
#117
:rofl:
I never heard that one before

foghorn
02-28-2007, 09:43 AM
Here's one I just made up.

What do you call it when someone takes a long time to tell a short joke?

An unextended pun extended.

Bamafan
02-28-2007, 09:45 AM
The fcas jokes site is blocked for me. Can anyone post it (maybe in spoiler tags)? TIA

lipman
02-28-2007, 09:48 AM
A guy walks into a small bar while he is touring the Scottish countryside and sits down next to an older man who is obviously drunk.
The older guy turns to him and says
<scottish accent>"You know what the problem with the world today? People don't respect you for your work. You know that bridge you walked over to get here? I built that bridge, but do they call me McGregor the bridge builder?
NO!
The house that sits next to this bar, I built with me own two hands. But do they call me McGregor the house builder?
NO!
This very bar, the entire bar, I built, no help! But do they call me McGregor the bar builder?
NO!

But you feck one goat...

</scottish accent>

Tybo
02-28-2007, 09:50 AM
From Brian Regan:

If you're having second guesses about an appointment you made to visit an American Indian friend of yours, would you call it a reservation reservation reservation?

LoneGirl
02-28-2007, 09:55 AM
From Brian Regan:

If you're having second guesses about an appointment you made to visit an American Indian friend of yours, would you call it a reservation reservation reservation?

:lol:

Lame jokes get me every time......

Griffin 1
02-28-2007, 10:02 AM
The fcas jokes site is blocked for me. Can anyone post it (maybe in spoiler tags)? TIAShe said she wanted clean jokes, so I'm sure jokes involving fecas is out.

Alto Reed on a Tenor Sax
02-28-2007, 10:24 AM
Have you tried this thread (http://www.actuarialoutpost.com/actuarial_discussion_forum/showthread.php?t=35768&highlight=jokes)? There's got to be a good one in there somewhere.

You know, you would think that. And you would be so, so wrong.

ACCtuary
02-28-2007, 10:29 AM
Write a straight intro for this fellow, and perhaps a topical joke will naturally arise out of it. Just out of curiosity, who required that you say a joke? Of course, a joke a can be a great way to warm up an audience. You also sense they can backfire if the wrong one is picked.

Is this fellow an actuary? A student?

JAS
02-28-2007, 11:17 AM
Write a straight intro for this fellow, and perhaps a topical joke will naturally arise out of it. Just out of curiosity, who required that you say a joke? Of course, a joke a can be a great way to warm up an audience. You also sense they can backfire if the wrong one is picked.

Is this fellow an actuary? A student?

These are non-actuaries, I barely know any of them and they each write their own introduction that I read before they go up to make their presentations. The "jokes" I've heard in the past have always been pretty lame so I'm OK with continuing that tradition.

BallaActuary
02-28-2007, 11:18 AM
What's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman? RN

http://www.actuarialoutpost.com/actuarial_discussion_forum/showthread.php?t=101191

:lol:

JAS
02-28-2007, 11:19 AM
A guy walks into a small bar while he is touring the Scottish countryside and sits down next to an older man who is obviously drunk.
The older guy turns to him and says
<scottish accent>"You know what the problem with the world today? People don't respect you for your work. You know that bridge you walked over to get here? I built that bridge, but do they call me McGregor the bridge builder?
NO!
The house that sits next to this bar, I built with me own two hands. But do they call me McGregor the house builder?
NO!
This very bar, the entire bar, I built, no help! But do they call me McGregor the bar builder?
NO!

But you feck one goat...

</scottish accent>

This one is pretty good. I might be able to change around the wording to make it presentable to this group but I can't do the Scotish accent.

Army, the 3-legged turtle
02-28-2007, 11:20 AM
I guy walks into a talent agent office and says "I've got a great new act."

shadyridr
02-28-2007, 11:21 AM
2 muffins were sitting in an oven being baked. One muffin turned to the other muffin and said "Its awfully hot in here". The other muffin responded "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"

shadyridr
02-28-2007, 11:22 AM
I guy walks into a talent agent office and says "I've got a great new act."

The Aristocrats!

Actuary321
02-28-2007, 11:23 AM
April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims! Hahahahahahahaha :shake2:That makes you at least as smart as a 5th grader.

There are some clean jokes in this thread. (http://www.actuarialoutpost.com/actuarial_discussion_forum/showthread.php?t=35768)

Loner
02-28-2007, 11:27 AM
A rugby referee died and went to heaven. Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter. If the ref could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in.



"Well," said the ref, "I was reffing a game between the Queensland Reds and New South Wales Waraths at Suncorp Stadium. Queensland were 2 points ahead,

1 minute to go. The New South Wales wing made a break, passed inside to his lock. The lock was driven on by his forwards, passed out to the flanker who ducked blind and went over in the corner. However, the flanker dropped the ball before he could ground it, and as New South Wales were clearly the better side all game, I ruled that he had dropped the ball down, not forward, and awarded the try."



"OK, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book." says Peter, and disappears to look it up. When he comes back he says "Sorry, there is no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all this happen?"



The ref looked at his watch and replied "about 45 seconds ago."

ACCtuary
02-28-2007, 11:36 AM
These are non-actuaries, I barely know any of them and they each write their own introduction that I read before they go up to make their presentations. The "jokes" I've heard in the past have always been pretty lame so I'm OK with continuing that tradition.

Indeed, it may be wise! The lamer the better.

Sometimes the introductions, if you have them in advance, create their own unintentional humor.

So, anyway.



A couple of nuns were painting the outside of the rectory when they realized they were soon going to be out of paint, and there was no more to be seen. Since Mother Superior needed it done the next morning, they decided to dilute the paint with thinner. One sister says "Are you sure that's right? It seems kind of dishonest". The other says "What are we to do? We have to get the job done". Well, the job gets finished and the end of the day, God brings down a terrible rainstorm and because of the watered down paint, most of the side wall is now unpainted. From behind the clouds, a voice booms:

Repaint, Repaint, and Thin no more!

Rockhound
02-28-2007, 11:53 AM
This one is pretty good. I might be able to change around the wording to make it presentable to this group but I can't do the Scotish accent.

A serious word of advice. No, you cannot make that joke presentable for a business group--there is too big a chance that 1 person will find it offensive.

Chief Petosky
02-28-2007, 12:34 PM
A little corny (and not really a joke), but it has worked quite well before.

At the beginning of your talk, tell the audience that you want to start with a little exercise to get their blood flowing so they'll stay alert. Have them stand up, spread their arms straight out to the sides and then bring them together in front of them until their hands meet. Start out slow, but increase the pace, bringing your hands together with a "clap" each time. When it gets to the point that it sounds like a crowd clapping, tell them something to the effect that you wanted to make sure you got a standing ovation.

Believe me, they will be FOTFLTAO.

Jables
02-28-2007, 12:55 PM
I guy walks into a talent agent office and says "I've got a great new act."
I bought that on DVD yesterday, been meaning to see it for a while now :)

Bamafan
02-28-2007, 01:04 PM
I bought that on DVD yesterday, been meaning to see it for a while now :)

Not worth the purchase, IMO. Funny, but not as great as one would expect with the likes of Gilbert Gottfried and Bob Saget leading the way.

Jables
02-28-2007, 01:05 PM
Well, it *is* still in the cellophane.... I got it on sale for $6.99. Is it worth that? :spnner:

Actuary321
02-28-2007, 01:20 PM
I was asked to tell a joke to prior to introducing 'name of person'. But I only had one joke and it wasn't appropriate. So I asked 'name of person' for a joke. He/She told me a joke and now I have 2 inappropriate jokes.

JMO
02-28-2007, 01:26 PM
I was asked to tell a joke to prior to introducing 'name of person'. But I only had one joke and it wasn't appropriate. So I asked 'name of person' for a joke. He/She told me a joke and now I have 2 inappropriate jokes.
I've heard that one used at church. ;)

Alto Reed on a Tenor Sax
02-28-2007, 01:54 PM
Not worth the purchase, IMO. Funny, but not as great as one would expect with the likes of Gilbert Gottfried and Bob Saget leading the way.

Both of which you can see on youtube without buying the DVD.

Alto Reed on a Tenor Sax
02-28-2007, 01:55 PM
I was asked to tell a joke to prior to introducing 'name of person'. But I only had one joke and it wasn't appropriate. So I asked 'name of person' for a joke. He/She told me a joke and now I have 2 inappropriate jokes.

I thought you were telling a true story. Then I realized you were telling a joke about telling a joke. And it blew my minnnndddd, mannn.....:crazy::crazy::crazy:

shadyridr
02-28-2007, 02:06 PM
A little corny (and not really a joke), but it has worked quite well before.

At the beginning of your talk, tell the audience that you want to start with a little exercise to get their blood flowing so they'll stay alert. Have them stand up, spread their arms straight out to the sides and then bring them together in front of them until their hands meet. Start out slow, but increase the pace, bringing your hands together with a "clap" each time. When it gets to the point that it sounds like a crowd clapping, tell them something to the effect that you wanted to make sure you got a standing ovation.

Believe me, they will be FOTFLTAO.

If someone did that to me, Id probably hate them and wish them dead.

Abnormal
02-28-2007, 02:12 PM
All you've got to do is explain that this is the point in your presentation where you're supposed to tell a joke but you're an actuary and don't have a sense of humor. Always works.

Maine-iac
02-28-2007, 02:22 PM
Three couples happen to pass away at about the same time. They are waiting to interview with St. Peter at the pearly gates.

The first couple approaches, and St. Peter says to the husband: "All your life you were obsessed with money. Money, money, money! It's all you ever thought about. You even married a woman named Penny! Take the escalator down, please."

The second couple approaches, and St. Peter says to the husband: "All your life you were obsessed with alcohol. Drink, Drink, Drink! It's all you ever thought about. You even married a woman named Sherry! Take the escalator down, please."

The third husband looks at his wife and then turns for the down escalator, saying: "C'mon Fanny, no point in wasting time here!"

shadyridr
02-28-2007, 02:28 PM
All you've got to do is explain that this is the point in your presentation where you're supposed to tell a joke but you're an actuary and don't have a sense of humor. Always works.

I actually like this idea.

Chief Petosky
02-28-2007, 02:47 PM
If someone did that to me, Id probably hate them and wish them dead.After you were finished laughing.

Army, the 3-legged turtle
02-28-2007, 02:59 PM
All you've got to do is explain that this is the point in your presentation where you're supposed to tell a joke but you're an actuary and don't have a sense of humor. Always works.
If you want an actuary joke, try this:

"I have been asked to prepare a joke for this meeting, one that is clean, appropriate and funny. I have researched ten jokes, weighted them and found them to be approximately funny. (ad lib statistical references here) Here's the chart."

(show them an unmarked chart with a straight line in any direction, don't explain it and move on)


I dub this the "Here's the chart" joke. I hope to see this be the safe for the office version of the Aristocrats in 50 years. Get to work!

lipman
02-28-2007, 03:06 PM
A serious word of advice. No, you cannot make that joke presentable for a business group--there is too big a chance that 1 person will find it offensive.

With a good scottish accent, noone can possibly find it offensive.

Actuary321
02-28-2007, 03:10 PM
I've heard that one used at church. ;)A returned missionary, who was reporting, used it with our bishop 2 weeks ago. Maybe it is a mormon joke.

Actuary321
02-28-2007, 03:52 PM
The fcas jokes site is blocked for me. Can anyone post it (maybe in spoiler tags)? TIAIt is quite a large list of jokes.

46 is about a guy who wants to insure his wooden leg, 86 is about a guy guessing the number of sheep in a herd, and 118 is about guys telling jokes simply by referring to their number in a list.

I thought you were telling a true story. Then I realized you were telling a joke about telling a joke. And it blew my minnnndddd, mannn.....:crazy::crazy::crazy:

Guess I should have put that in quotes. Sorry.

Phil
02-28-2007, 04:19 PM
I'm co-hosting a meeting next week and need some help. I'm supposed to tell a joke, then introduce the next speaker. Anybody know of any good somewhat clean jokes to tell?

A joke, ah...oh....ok! A man walks into a bar and takes out a tiny piano, and a twelve inch pianist.....whooaaa hooaaa...I can't tell that one!!

ACCtuary
02-28-2007, 05:24 PM
Two actuaries were on a street corner when a $20 blows by. But they don't take it because if it were a real $20, somebody would have gotten it by now.

ACCtuary
02-28-2007, 05:24 PM
A joke, ah...oh....ok! A man walks into a bar and takes out a tiny piano, and a twelve inch pianist.....whooaaa hooaaa...I can't tell that one!!


RN, Mr. Krustovsky!

E. Blackadder
02-28-2007, 05:54 PM
Ladies and gentlemen, our featured speaker [insert name here] and I agreed to exchange jokes, and you just heard his.

Dr T Non-Fan
02-28-2007, 06:08 PM
Sounds like you liked #117, as well. :lol:
I am actually going to suggest #117 to the OP, but change the set-up a bit.

[start]
There is a list of actuary jokes on the internet, and, being about actuaries, they are numbered. Many actuaries have them memorized, so much so, that one can simply state a number, and the other actuaries can recall the joke and laugh as if they heard the whole thing. It can be a bit alarming to non-actuaries.

Anyway, Joe (or whatever is the speaker's name) and I the other day were hanging around with our actuary friends. And, as actuaries will do, we start throwing out joke numbers, with people laughing to various degrees.
One of the guys shouts "387!" The others all laughed loudly in approval of the joke.
"834" shouted another of the actuaries. The others laughed mildly at this one.
"1,023" shouted another of the actuaries. Most of the others laughed mildly at this one. There was one young actuary in the group who was rolling on the floor and laughing hysterically at that joke.
The actuary who shouted out "1,023" settled the young actuary who had been rolling on the floor and then asked him "What is it about joke 1,023 that is so funny?"
"I never heard that one before", replied the young actuary.
[Wait for non-actuaries in the room to get it. Stop waiting after 5 minutes. Cardinal rule about joke-telling: don't explain the joke.]

This goes on and on around the room. Finally, Joe tries it out.

"214." No one laughs. He tries another, "427." Again, no response. He tries one final time, "591." Nothing but glassy stares. He asks the actuary next to him, "Why doesn't anyone laugh at mine?" The other actuary replies, "Some people just can't tell jokes."
[end]

Then at the end, you can say, "Oh, by the way, that is joke #117, in case you hear a group of actuaries throwing out numbers."

Actuary321
02-28-2007, 07:44 PM
I am actually going to suggest #117 to the OP, but change the set-up a bit.

[start]
There is a list of actuary jokes on the internet, and, being about actuaries, they are numbered. Many actuaries have them memorized, so much so, that one can simply state a number, and the other actuaries can recall the joke and laugh as if they heard the whole thing. It can be a bit alarming to non-actuaries.

Anyway, Joe (or whatever is the speaker's name) and I the other day were hanging around with our actuary friends. And, as actuaries will do, we start throwing out joke numbers, with people laughing to various degrees.
One of the guys shouts "387!" The others all laughed loudly in approval of the joke.
"834" shouted another of the actuaries. The others laughed mildly at this one.
"1,023" shouted another of the actuaries. Most of the others laughed mildly at this one. There was one young actuary in the group who was rolling on the floor and laughing hysterically at that joke.
The actuary who shouted out "1,023" settled the young actuary who had been rolling on the floor and then asked him "What is it about joke 1,023 that is so funny?"
"I never heard that one before", replied the young actuary.
[Wait for non-actuaries in the room to get it. Stop waiting after 5 minutes. Cardinal rule about joke-telling: don't explain the joke.]

This goes on and on around the room. Finally, Joe tries it out.

"214." No one laughs. He tries another, "427." Again, no response. He tries one final time, "591." Nothing but glassy stares. He asks the actuary next to him, "Why doesn't anyone laugh at mine?" The other actuary replies, "Some people just can't tell jokes."
[end]

Then at the end, you can say, "Oh, by the way, that is joke #117, in case you hear a group of actuaries throwing out numbers.":tup:

I concur. Good job DTFN.

QMO
03-01-2007, 09:08 AM
A serious word of advice. No, you cannot make that joke presentable for a business group--there is too big a chance that 1 person will find it offensive.With a good scottish accent, noone can possibly find it offensive.It appears that you've led a sheltered existence. You need to get out more. Meet more people.

Army, the 3-legged turtle
03-01-2007, 11:02 AM
:tup:

I concur. Good job DTFN.

Hey! How does joke #117 know about joke #387? :tfh:

Dr T Non-Fan
03-01-2007, 12:51 PM
Hey! How does joke #117 know about joke #387? :tfh:
Are you assuming chronological ordering?

JMO
03-01-2007, 01:12 PM
Let n be the number of the joke that is about joke number n. What is n?

dlwktb
03-01-2007, 05:39 PM
42

JAS
03-01-2007, 08:27 PM
Indeed, it may be wise! The lamer the better.

Sometimes the introductions, if you have them in advance, create their own unintentional humor.

So, anyway.



A couple of nuns were painting the outside of the rectory when they realized they were soon going to be out of paint, and there was no more to be seen. Since Mother Superior needed it done the next morning, they decided to dilute the paint with thinner. One sister says "Are you sure that's right? It seems kind of dishonest". The other says "What are we to do? We have to get the job done". Well, the job gets finished and the end of the day, God brings down a terrible rainstorm and because of the watered down paint, most of the side wall is now unpainted. From behind the clouds, a voice booms:


This one got a chuckle from pretty much everyone in the room.

Thanks ACCtuary

JAS
03-01-2007, 08:29 PM
I am actually going to suggest #117 to the OP, but change the set-up a bit.

[start]
There is a list of actuary jokes on the internet, and, being about actuaries, they are numbered. Many actuaries have them memorized, so much so, that one can simply state a number, and the other actuaries can recall the joke and laugh as if they heard the whole thing. It can be a bit alarming to non-actuaries.

Anyway, Joe (or whatever is the speaker's name) and I the other day were hanging around with our actuary friends. And, as actuaries will do, we start throwing out joke numbers, with people laughing to various degrees.
One of the guys shouts "387!" The others all laughed loudly in approval of the joke.
"834" shouted another of the actuaries. The others laughed mildly at this one.
"1,023" shouted another of the actuaries. Most of the others laughed mildly at this one. There was one young actuary in the group who was rolling on the floor and laughing hysterically at that joke.
The actuary who shouted out "1,023" settled the young actuary who had been rolling on the floor and then asked him "What is it about joke 1,023 that is so funny?"
"I never heard that one before", replied the young actuary.
[Wait for non-actuaries in the room to get it. Stop waiting after 5 minutes. Cardinal rule about joke-telling: don't explain the joke.]

This goes on and on around the room. Finally, Joe tries it out.

"214." No one laughs. He tries another, "427." Again, no response. He tries one final time, "591." Nothing but glassy stares. He asks the actuary next to him, "Why doesn't anyone laugh at mine?" The other actuary replies, "Some people just can't tell jokes."
[end]

Then at the end, you can say, "Oh, by the way, that is joke #117, in case you hear a group of actuaries throwing out numbers."

This one got hysterical laughter from about a quarter of the people, a chuckle out of another quarter and blank stares from the rest.

Thanks Dr T Non-Fan!

Dr T Non-Fan
03-01-2007, 09:34 PM
Can't please them all. "Hysterical laughter"? Now you know who has a proper sense of humor. Screw the rest.