Best of Saturday Night Live

[Samir]

Favorite character, skit, quotes, etc.....?

[Pseudolus]

C-I-L-L

my

land

lord

[Double High C]

cheesebooga, cheesebooga, cheeps

[Anonymous]

I'm not nervous.
You're the one that's nervous.
I think it's funny that you would say I'm nervous.

[E. Blackadder]

Sigourney Weaver as hostess. Brecht; It's cold outside; Alienses; Making fun of her dad (an NBC executive)

[John F. Kerry]

Attack cats phony commercial.

[Jables]

Favorite skit changes by the hour, hehe... however, the first thing that popped into my head when I saw this was Brocktoon (http://snltranscripts.jt.org/91/91sbelvedere.phtml)

[Wyo]

Recently....The Robert Smigel cartoon in which he parodied "The Anna Nicole Show" with Smurfette.

[Pseudolus]

Murphy: "When white people are alone together, they... give each other things."

Shatner: "Get a life!"

The '92 Dem primary skit where all the candidates try to avoid becoming the nominee. Cuomo: "I have mob ties!"

The Gulf War skit making fun of reporters at a press conference asking the generals questions like "What is the one thing you would least like Saddam Hussein to know about your strategy?"

Ones I just don't get: Toonces, Mango, that Catholic school girl who kept falling down

[Polly Nomial]

Akroyd/Curtain Point Counter-point

...you ignorant slut.....


Murphy's Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood (which, BTW, Fred Rogers said he loved)

[Patience]

When Ross Perot threw James Stockdale out of the car, and you see him giving chase

The circumcision in the back of the Cadillac

[Pi Man]

landshark

samurai taylor

[Drzy]

Any skit with The Ambiguously Gay Duo.

[Loner]

Sigourney Weaver as hostess. Brecht; It's cold outside; Alienses; Making fun of her dad (an NBC executive)

Don't forget her Fergie skit: "I'M HUNGRY!
I drink - Hef-TEA! A hearty ENGLISH brew!"

I liked the Sweeney Sisters. And the music teachers at Altadena Middle School.

And Ed Grimley, I must say.

[vito]

B.O.C. Behind the Music: "I have the fever and the cure is more cowbell"

Lorne Michaels trying to convince the Beatles to re-unite on the show.

Fred Garvin - Male Prostitute

[Grace]

Too many to choose from!

Hundreds. But not John Goodman imitating Linda Tripp. What a pig (him).

[Pi Man]

actually, there's a LOT of bad SNL... the old stuff was WAY more funnier....

[Patience]

Both Janet Reno & George Bush (elder) for having such a good sense of humor about their impersonations

[Westley]

Jane, you ignorant slut

Knock Knock, Landshark.
I'm not letting you in.
Knock knock, pizza delivery
I didn't order any pizza
Knock, Knock, CandyGram
For me??!?!?! Oh boy - Aaaahahhhghghghh!

Shatner "Get a life" was the best

Delta Delta Delta, can I help ya, help ya help ya

Female villain "I will use my feminine charms to distract Ace and Gary"
weasley henchman: "How's that going to work?"




Old stuff is not better, it's just that you always remember the good and forget the bad.

[Anonymous]

Rosie O'Donnell line to Mary Katherine Gallagher...
"Don't you know you're drummin' for Jesus Christ, not Judas Priest?"

The NPR bit - Delicious Dish - is "Neat. Yeah, good times"
Let's hear it for Pete Schweatty!!! "I can't wait to get my mouth around that weiner..."

"Hannukah Song" and "Warm Fuzzy Sweater" by Adam Sandler.

"If I could have just one wish this Christmas, it would be for all the children in the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of peace and harmony..." - thanks Steve!

The Roxbury guys.

[Pi Man]

Old stuff is not better, it's just that you always remember the good and forget the bad.
it's not "old stuff is better" it's "THE old stuff is better. i forget the newer stuff because it just aint funny.

[Anonymous]

Hey Norm?! Did you gain weight?

Uhh, actually I'm Colin Quin...

Norm, if you were a hotdog, would ya' eat yourself?

Harry Caray and SNL Celebrity Jeopardy I gotta say top the list for best recurring skits... until Harry Caray had to go and die. What a punk.

[Drzy]

Harry Caray and SNL Celebrity Jeopardy I gotta say top the list for best recurring skits... until Harry Caray had to go and die. What a punk.
He didn't die. He lives in an office just fifteen feet from us. :wink:

[Loner]

Celebrity Jeopardy isn't funny at all, plus it's excruciatingly long.

I used to think the bad skits just SEEMED longer, but I checked the tape counter on last week's opening sketch and it was about 7 minutes long.

[Double High C]

Recurring: Coffee Talk

(non?)recurring: New Yawk Tawk, at 555-4444 (with Mawreen)
One caller called in saying that she wanted to tawk about basebawl but was eating chawcolate and got it awl over herself.

[FSAme]

Lunch Lady


"Livin' in a van, DOWN BY THE RIVER"


Basically, anything with Farley

[Ling]

Father Guido Sarducci: (not exact quote)

I thinka that we here on eartha are each a given $1.75 for a each a day that we live. Then when we a die, we have ta pay back for our sins. If we have a extra money lefta, we can a go to heaven. For example, murder will a cost you $80,000. You will never a go to heaven. Now, masturbation, well, that a cost only 35 cents...but you know, 35 cents...35 cents....35 cents..that a will add up. We priests a know what it's a like you know....35 cents...35 cents...35 cents.....

[Double High C]

Celebrity Jeopardy isn't funny at all, plus it's excruciatingly long.

One time it was funny (several years ago), or at least part of it was.

George Will hosted, and I think 3 pro baseball players were the contestants. The answers were obscure (like which baseball player in 19xx made a catch in a game against team y that was not unlike the dive of a swan). Finally, one of the players told George that he was a wimp and couldn't throw a baseball, gave him one and dared him to throw it. Sam Donaldson joined in the daring, and George, whimpering, walked off the set.

[Jables]

Celebrity Jeopardy isn't funny at all, plus it's excruciatingly long.

One time it was funny (several years ago), or at least part of it was.

George Will hosted, and I think 3 pro baseball players were the contestants. The answers were obscure (like which baseball player in 19xx made a catch in a game against team y that was not unlike the dive of a swan). Finally, one of the players told George that he was a wimp and couldn't throw a baseball, gave him one and dared him to throw it. Sam Donaldson joined in the daring, and George, whimpering, walked off the set.

Different from Celebrity Jeopardy... you're thinking of this (http://snltranscripts.jt.org/89/89qsportsmachine.phtml).

[Han Solo]

The Shatner episode was one of the best. In addition to the "Get a life" - there was "Oh my God - Sulu! What happened to you?? - We all get older, Khan..." skit

Some others no one mentioned yet:
Master Thespian!
You lika da juice? - Everyone else I think found this incredibly annoying (esp. Mrs. Solo), but I laughed - especially when they were trying to end the skit - "You lika da blond guy wid the guitar"
Dana Carney as John McLaughlin - "Wrong!"
Phil Hartman as Frank Sinatra - I liked most of the stuff Hartman did. He was incredibly versatile.

Celebrity Jeopardy was funny the first time they did it. The umpteen times they did it after that, well, :horse:

I didn't like the cheerleaders or the catholic girl.

[Cho Da]

"The Pepsi Syndrome"

Bass-o-matic

Quarry cereal

"I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not."

Mr. Bill

Dan Ackroyd as Julia Child bleeding.

"We come from France."

Killer Bees

[Anonymous]

Toonces the Driving Cat

[Mr. Penguin]

(kids)
It's Happy!
It's Fun!
It's Happy Fun Ball!

(announcer)
Yes, it's Happy Fun Ball,
the toy sensation
that's sweeping the nation.
Only 14.95 at participating stores!

Get one Today

(background voice)
Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children should avoid
prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.

Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.

Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which if exposed due to rupture
should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.

Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.

Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:

* Itching

* Vertigo

* Dizziness

* Tingling in extremities

* Loss of balance or coordination

* Slurred speech

* Temporary blindness

* Profuse Sweating

or

* Heart palpitations

If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter
and cover head.

Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.

When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container
and kept under refrigeration.

Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products
Incorporated, and its parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of
any and all liability.

Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which
fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.

Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is
also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.

Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.

(announcer)
Happy Fun Ball! Accept no substitutes!

[wally world]

Some people have already mentioned some of my favorites:

Farley's motivational speaker (can't remember his name)

The Blue Oyster Cult Behind the Music spoof (Christopher Walken : "I need more cowbell!" - classic)

I'll add the commercial for Schmidt's Gay Beer.

Jim Breuer had a skit called Goat Boy which was pretty funny.

Sandler's songs on Weekend Update

[Anonymous]

Seeing the episode Norm accidentally (or intentionally?) swore during Weekend Update... 1 episode before he was retured... that was a good one. I don't care who thinks Norm wasn't funny- he'll always be the funniest weekend-update guy in my books.

[Jables]

Pretty much anything Will Ferrell was in got my seal of approval

[frummie]

The circumcision in the back of the Cadillac

"Its a beautiful baby. Its a beautiful car."

Others:

"I've heard the phrase, don't rain on my parade. I can think of worse things. How about, don't blow your nose on my parade. Or don't drain your boils on my parade, or..." (and eventually a John Belushi melt down)

Telepsychic

Contracted alphabet. "Instead of open, you will now say lmnopen. ...Instead of I caught a big fish, you will now say, I caught a big efish. ...Instead of eagle, you would call it an efaghilef. Now lets sing the new alphabet. A, B, C, D, EF, GHI, J, K, LMNO, PQRSTUVWXYZ."

Buckwheat dead. Lets take a look. Brought to you by Texxon. Do what we say, and no one gets hurt. Buckwheat: "Ouch, I'm shot." Alfalfa: "Oooh, I'm hurt, I'm upset, no comment." He was a fine boy. Do you think he did it? Oh yes, definitely. He always talked about killing buckwheat. Caption by the yearbook picture: "Most likely to kill Buckwheat." (My bro taped that one).

Merry Christmas, Dammit! My alltime favorite. Anything with Gumby had me in stitches. Especially when he was on Letterman. "I am Gumby. I am supreme! Who are you, nothing. You're big at the Harvard dormitory, that's it."

Can't remember Adam Sandler stuff, but I'm sure there are some funny things like the newscast stuff he did.

Last Saturday Night they had a Count Chocula Silver commercial, for seniors who have different needs. It was pretty funny, though he was more like the count on sesame street than count chocula, but it was still good. Almost as funny as Quarry.

And best serious thing was after 9/11. A perfect way to get NY and the country going again. I was in tears during the song, and then I laughed at Giuliani's joke in the end. "Is it OK to be funny?" "Why start now?"

[frummie]

Can't stop thinking of more:

Fernando (Billy Crystal) interviewing Hulk Hogan and Mr. T. "T, would you like to direct?" To Hulk: "I like the way your muscles go bambi bambi bambi" (He got Mr. T to laugh twice.)

Raymond Burr's Nipple Rouge, for the blush of springtime, anytime, everytime...

That Pyramid game show with Jackie something Junior (Martin Short) and Sammy Davis Junior. The clue was Filet Mignon and Sammy was saying "Its a big piece of meat," and the Indian guy said, "Barani baranas barani? Mel Gibson?" Clue: Its a bird near the beach, a sea...," "BIRD", no its bird on the beach a sea..." "BIRD".

Ed Grimley. Pat Sajak is so decent I must say. "I would like to buy a vowel please. And a free spin wouldn't be bad, I must say." My alltime favorite character (ahead of Gumby). The triangle dance.

[urysohn]

- Samurai anything
- Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood
- Hi, I'm Rosanne Rosanadanna
- Weekend update (most of them; best when taken in context with current events. But I didn't like Norm)

[Caffeine Junkie]

Jack Handy's Deep Thoughts - Usually pretty good


Phil Hartman's deadpan ad for law firm
Lady on the street: I've always wanted to sue someone. Don't I need a reason?
Lawyer: No. You don't need a reason.


Everybody doesn't like something. But nobody doesn't like... orgasms.
Tennis players have Bjorn Borgasms
Newlyweds have Let's Do It Til We're Soregasms
10 years later they have I Got Mine, You Get Yourgasms

[Cho Da]

Joe Cocker as the musical guest, and Belushi aping him during "I get by with a little help from my friends"

[Sheriff Bannerman]

Joe Cocker as the musical guest, and Belushi aping him during "I get by with a little help from my friends"
Memory is hazy, of course, but I remember it as "Feelin' Alright" :guitarwo:

But it was a classic moment. I don't think they told Cocker Belushi was going to join in. That was during the time that Cocker was so chemically-enhanced that he barely knew what was going on around him.

Slight tangent. George Carlin says he remembers little from his first appearance as the first host of SNL. "There were a lot of chemicals backstage." [/st]

[Cho Da]

Joe Cocker as the musical guest, and Belushi aping him during "I get by with a little help from my friends"
Memory is hazy, of course, but I remember it as "Feelin' Alright" :guitarwo:

Yes, you are correct.

[Numbers Nerd]

Michael Jordan being told by (...) to say "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!"

Dana Carvey as the Church Lady.

Many others already mentioned...Land shark, van down by the river, NPR skits, presidential imitations...

[frummie]

Joe Cocker as the musical guest, and Belushi aping him during "I get by with a little help from my friends"
Memory is hazy, of course, but I remember it as "Feelin' Alright" :guitarwo:
[/st]

I think Belushi did the Joe Cocker "I get by with a little help" in a different show without Joe Cocker by himself and them started gyrating so much he was on the floor gyrating.

[oldgirl]

The Continental (?) - Christopher Walken character that talks to the camera

Phil Hartman's Frozen Caveman Lawyer - "I'm just a caveman......"

Commerical: "It's a floor wax! No, it's a dessert topping!"

Commercial: That bottled water/seltzer one where it's basically sludge being pour out with "Anticipation" playing in the background

Commerical: "Colon Blow" or "Super Colon Blow"

[frummie]

John Belushi doing the Bruce Jenner Olympics Wheaties commercial. He waves the flag just like Bruce Jenner, then says, "I logged a lot of miles and (pause) downed a lot of donuts..."

I also liked Jim Belushi first coming out like a ballerina, then doing the Flashdance thing. The original flashdance thing was played so much at the time that seeing this heavy guy doing it instead of Jennifer Beals (or whatever her name is) was hysterical, especially the water part.

[Natalie_Portman]

Schwetty's Balls

[frummie]

Anyone see SCTV's spoof? Live from Edmonton, its Thursday Night!!!!

Hello, I'm Earl Camembert. (silence).(Several other weak attempts at humor, no audience response)

(Then the Steve Martin imitation) Well, I beeeeg your pardon!!! (audience goes hysterical, then the caption on the screen says, "This guy is stupid!" I was ROTFLMAO.)

[Asynchronous]

Soylent Green (it's made of people!)

Opera Man

Calvin Klein for Dogs (commercial)

[USCanuck]

I also have to go with Dan Akryoid doing Julia Child.

Oh, I've nicked my finger!!!!

[Mathlete]

Farley's motivational speaker (can't remember his name)

Matt Foley. YES. The funniest ever! Chris Farley :guitarwo:

I also LOVED Coffee Talk with Linda Richman.

This isn't necessarily the funniest, but the "Oops, I Crapped My Pants" commercial just popped into my head.

[Mr. Penguin]

Linda Richman was no Paul Baldwin. ;)

[Wino In Training]

That Pyramid game show with Jackie something Junior (Martin Short) and Sammy Davis Junior. The clue was Filet Mignon and Sammy was saying "Its a big piece of meat," and the Indian guy said, "Barani baranas barani? Mel Gibson?" Clue: Its a bird near the beach, a sea...," "BIRD", no its bird on the beach a sea..." "BIRD".



That's Jackie Rogers Jr.'s $100,000 Jackpot Wad. Billy Crystal as Sammy David Jr.: "This is a hot, spicy little number...." Christopher Guest as the Indian Guy: "Rita Moreno?" Sammy: "This is..." Guest (in advance of the rest of the clue): "Chocolate babies?" "Yes, that's right!!!" :)

Other faves:

Bad Idea Jeans

Martin Short, Harry Shearer: male synchronized swimmers, with Chris Guest as the coach.... "No, you're not angry at him, you're just pointing at him.... 'I see you... I see you...'" "I'm not a very strong swimmer..."

The Run, Catch & Throw like a Girl Olympics..... "I'm cold & I'm tired, and I want to go home!"

Adam Sandler's cheap Halloween costumes.... "Look at me! I'm Crazy Under the Table Man! I sure am hungry! Gimme some candy!"

Eddie Murphy as James Brown: "Hot Tub"!

The All-Steroid Olympics - with Phil Hartman ripping his arms off....

(There are so many, it's just so hard to choose....)

[lou]

Sprockets - I am Dieter from Baden-Baden. Don't you want to touch my monkey? Now is the time in sprockets where we get up and dance.

[Meshuga]

some have my favorites have been mentioned, but here's a few more:

steve martin and dan akroyd as the czech brothers - "we're two wild and crazy guys"

steve martin doing king tut. paul simon on the thanksgiving weekend show singing still crazy after all these years wearing a turkey suit.

garrett morris as chico escuela - "beseball has been berry good to me".

the prison talent show where garrett morris sings "i'm gonna get me a shotgun and kill every whitey i see".

[Pseudolus]

Commercial: Bathroom Monkey

Which reminds me of...

Commercial: The Love Toilet

[Natalie_Portman]

How about this Saturday when Adrian Brody introduced the first musical group wearing dred-locks and using a long monologue of Rasta-talk?

:)

[4sigma]

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Adam Sandler singing just about anything.

Linda Richmond -- Coffee Talk


Steve martin's Xmas wish

1992 Democratic candidate debate

[mocha]

Jewess Jeans

[Double High C]

Prose and Cons

One inmate gets violent, accusing another of plagiarism

The winner (by Eddie Murphy's character):
C-i-l-l my landlord.

[frummie]

That Pyramid game show with Jackie something Junior (Martin Short) and Sammy Davis Junior. The clue was Filet Mignon and Sammy was saying "Its a big piece of meat," and the Indian guy said, "Barani baranas barani? Mel Gibson?" Clue: Its a bird near the beach, a sea...," "BIRD", no its bird on the beach a sea..." "BIRD".



That's Jackie Rogers Jr.'s $100,000 Jackpot Wad. Billy Crystal as Sammy David Jr.: "This is a hot, spicy little number...." Christopher Guest as the Indian Guy: "Rita Moreno?" Sammy: "This is..." Guest (in advance of the rest of the clue): "Chocolate babies?" "Yes, that's right!!!" :)

THANK YOU! that was a great one.

Martin Short, Harry Shearer: male synchronized swimmers, with Chris Guest as the coach.... "No, you're not angry at him, you're just pointing at him.... 'I see you... I see you...'" "I'm not a very strong swimmer..."

The Run, Catch & Throw like a Girl Olympics..... "I'm cold & I'm tired, and I want to go home!"

Eddie Murphy as James Brown: "Hot Tub"!

(There are so many, it's just so hard to choose....)

Re synchronized swimming: I don't remember exactly what it looked like because of the tears in my eyes from laughter. "I can't swim." "You, you, I know you, I know you." Then he was teaching them how to do the oar motion. That was a classic.

All of these are great!

I also like Francis Albert Sinatra. "I was on my way to Little Italy for some spungili and saw the lights and the crowd and figured this was my place (when Ed Koch was trying to talk Eddie Murphy out of jumping)." And his rendition of Flintstones on Gumby's Christmas Special.

I liked Kroger doing Ira Needleman, the nerdy dentist who made a music video date thing. I showed it at a party for my friend getting his dental degree.

"Uh 1, 2, Uh 1, 2, 3, 4 " (explosion)
I'm Ira Needleman,
I'm an oral surgeon
I'm 31,
I like Star Trek and Barbra Streisand and
I'm tired of being a virgin...

Get into my chair,
let me put you under
(dental assistants) Get ready for an oral thrill..."

[frummie]

steve martin and dan akroyd as the czech brothers - "we're two wild and crazy guys"


We like to wear these tight checkered pants so they can show off our bulges. (Playing Ping pong smashing the ball into the table) We are swinging bachelors. Lets... swaing!

[thing]

cobras on the airplane.

[Pseudolus]

the anal-retentive chef

[yeppers-wsmn]

commercial: Schmitz Gay

commercial (from this week): Mom Jeans. It was hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Olympic syncronized swimming with Martin Short.

"I'm not really a STRONG swimmer".

"You're not angry, you're just pointing. Hey, you, I know you, I know you."

[Dr T Non-Fan]

1988 party debates (two!) Ackroyd did a mean Dole.

The Sinatra Group. "Hey Cue Ball!" And, "Uncle Fester?"

[frummie]

Any opening done by Chevy Chase. (That was the whole point, that it was live and that mistakes can happen. Now with they try to surprise you and its not funny).

Commercial: Spuds, put your mind on hold, do what you're told and open a Spuds (and) Budweiser commercial with the hockey fights.

This week they had an Osama and Saddam cartoon. I was ROTFLMAO until it hit me there might be a cartoon like this somewhere, which is sad.

[Double High C]

Steve Forbes as guest host in 1996.

e.g. Skit: Interview (by Koppel?) of Forbes (as himself), about a book like Primary Colors written by "Anonymous", but curiously favorable of a fictitious character named "Teeve Torbes"; unfavorable of Lamar Alexander II, who was another fictitious character, as the (real) L.A. is not II.

[Dr T Non-Fan]

That was probably the work of Robert Smiegel (sp?). It is THE highlight of any SNL these days.

[frummie]

DTNF, are you talking about the cartoons?

I like the Presidential (or candidates) imitations, except Chevy Chase as Gerald Ford, which was not an imitation at all, just bungling:

Ackroyd as Nixon.
Ackroyd as Carter. (the inflation one where he was describing what sounded like a case of hemmorhoids)
Gary Kroger as Walter Mondale (Geraldine Ferraro, what was I thinking!)
Dana Carvey as Bush Sr. ("Please, vote for me." "Wouldn't be prudent")
Randy Quaid as Reagan (after Ron Reagan convinced him Republican was the way to go in the Back to the Future takeoff, "Well, that does it. I've been fooled all along!")
The guy who did Clinton (I'm sorry, I really am sorry. The best was after he left office and he pardoned his half brother and they along with Hillary appeared)
The guy who does Bush Jr.

[Dr T Non-Fan]

Yes, the cartoons. They are quite crude, so they're not for everybody. Same creator as that dog puppet on Conan, as well as an unheralded (for good reason) half-puppet, half-animal show on Comedy Central.

[Anonymous]

Jim Carrey = lifeguard for hotel jacuzzi
Will Farrell = man


Lifeguard: I am on watch, Sir.. I cannot have this conversation right now! [ stares at jacuzzi through binoculars - notices Man stretch himself across the jacuzzi, so he whips out a bullhorn ] ATTENTION, SWIMMER!! ATTENTION, SWIMMER!! YOU ARE TOO FAR!! RETURN IMMEDIATELY!!
Man: Are you talking to me?
Lifeguard: [ waving naval flags ] Slide back to the wall! You are blocking the bubble jets! Repeat! You are blocking the bubble jets!
Man: Alright, fine.. [ slides back ] Is right here good?
Lifeguard: Watch that underow, Sir! It'll blow you right out!! [ gets up and throws divider rope across half of the jacuzzi ] Watch out!
Man: Wait.. what is this..?
Lifeguard: Six o'clock, Sir! This side of the pool is for lap swimming only!
Man: What?
[ Lap Swimmer (Tim Meadows) enters ]
Lifeguard: Afternoon, Mr. Garson!
Lap Swimmer: Good to see you, Frank!
[ Lifeguard blows his whistle, signalling the Lap Swimmer to jump in the jacuzzi and proceed to swim mini-laps back and forth for a minute ]
Lifeguard: [ blowing whistle ] Lap time is over!
Lap Swimmer: [ getting out of jacuzzi ] Whoo! That felt great! [ exits ]
Lifeguard: [ blows whistle at the Man ] Resume general swim!
Man: [ stands up to dry himself ]
Lifeguard: [ points bullhorn at Man's face ] NO DIVING, SIR!! NO DIVING!!
Man: I'm not diving..!
Lifeguard: [ through bullhorn ] THE ENTIRE STAFF APPRECIATES YOUR COOPERATION!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!
Man: [ sits back down and massages his foot ] Oooh.. ahh.. ow..
Lifeguard: Is there an emergency, Sir?!
Man: No! I just got a small cramp in my toe..
Lifeguard: CRAMP?! [ rushes to wall to grab life preserver and arm floaties ] Everyone, be calm! Stay away from this area! There's nothing to see here!
Man: You're not talking about me, are you..?
Lifeguard: Swimmer, do not panic! I am a trained professional lifesaver! [ dives into the jacuzzi and rescues the struggling Man ] Do not fight me, Sir! Just relax!
Man: What the hell are you doing!!
Lifeguard: [ throws Man against the side of the jacuzzi and snaps fingers in front of his eyes ] Can you hear me, Sir!
Man: Yes, I can you!
Lifeguard: Can you hear me!
Man: Yes!
Lifeguard: [ starts pounding on Man's chest, hoping to revive him ] Nooo! It's not your time yet! [ pulls Man forward and gives him mouth-to-mouth, much to the Man's chagrin ]
Man: [ struggles free, upset ] I'm okay!! I AM OKAY!! You know, I don't appreciate this! This is HORRIBLE!!
Lifeguard: That's okay, Sir! You don't have to thank me! You've been exposed to a horrible trauma! Just play it safe from now on! I think I'm gonna go for a little swim!
[ still inside life preserver, Lifeguarddives underwater, as the Man quickly exits the jacuzzi, to fade ]

[quentin cassidy]

Jack Handy's Deep Thoughts - Usually pretty good

'It takes a big man to cry. It takes a bigger man to laugh at that man"

Sidenote: when the class clown from my graduating class in high school went to college, he ended up being roommates with Jimmy Fallon. they were good friends until about 6-12 months after he became a regular on SNL. hasn't heard from him since.

[frummie]

How about monologues? I liked on of the many Jill Clayburgh (sp?) monologues, where she described her day with Don Pardo the announcer. It was a take off on the fact Don was an announcer for game shows. It went something like this.

Jill: "Don picked me up in his car..."
Don: "That was no ordinary car. It's the Lincoln Continental Mark 4. With leather interior and sleek design. Its part of the Lincoln collection of classic cars from the Spiegel catalogue, Chicago 60608. Retail value, $25,500. Jill..."
Jill: (Pauses, makes a face) "Then he took me to his house..."
Don: "That's the Don Pardo Estate on 2000 beautifully scultped square feet in the upper west side of manhattan (i'm making it up here) with luxurious wall to wall carpet and hard wood floors, a split level and spiral staircase from the Spiegel catalogue, Chicago 60608. Retail value, $254,500. Jill..."
Jill: (Pauses, makes a face) "Then I got to meet his kid..."
Don: "That's no ordinary kid. He's one of three in the Pardo collection of kids at four feet two inches, brown hair, brown eyes and a smile that will melt your heart from the Spiegel catalogue, Chicago 60608. Retail value, ... Jill..."

[Keef]

Check out Phil Hartman's letter to a fan who asked him to critique his work:

http://www.lettersofnote.com/2011/08/amateur-comedy-is-too-on-nail.html

[Dr T Non-Fan]

That guy is now 125% greater than I thought he was. So. effin'. cool.

[ditkaworshipper]

http://www.hulu.com/watch/4171/saturday-night-live-bill-swerkskis-super-fans

[ditkaworshipper]

http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=6203

[ditkaworshipper]

I don't tink dis is even a contest.

[wolferine]

Check out Phil Hartman's letter to a fan who asked him to critique his work:

http://www.lettersofnote.com/2011/08/amateur-comedy-is-too-on-nail.html

Maybe Phil should have spent more time on his marriage than writing letters to strange men.

[Ambiguity]

"Wow! ...that's terrific bass!"

[Keef]

Maybe Phil should have spent more time on his marriage than writing letters to strange men.

Well, it's easy to say that now.

[wolferine]

Well, it's easy to say that now.

I miss Phil. He was good. Wish he had avoided the crazy.

[Gonzo]

Season's greetings from Tarzan, Frankenstein, and Tonto

[The Drunken Actuary]

Lord and lady douche bag.

[Loner]

Maybe Phil should have spent more time on his marriage than writing letters to strange men.

Really? I think it's clear he should have spent less time in his marriage, ended it, and gotten as far away as he could from that psycho.

[Blue Man]

http://www.hulu.com/watch/4171/saturday-night-live-bill-swerkskis-super-fans
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/Sully-and-Denise:-Nomar/1207977