Things that movies teach us [Archive]

E. Blackadder

10-01-2001, 11:47 PM

Things that movies teach us

[From Sojourners Magazine, via Progressive Review's undernews]

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people, whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. If you are blonde and gorgeous, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22. [note: "female" is implied here. How sexist!]

7. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

8. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

10. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

Bertie Bott

10-02-2001, 09:59 AM

When being chased by bad guys inside a tall building, don't worry about jumping out of a window. There will always be a large truck carrying soft materials passing by to break your fall.

Drewby

10-02-2001, 10:29 AM

Disney told us that...
1. You can be a thief and a liar and still get everything you want.

The Mister

10-02-2001, 11:06 AM

Which movies did that? I know, I'm just too lazy to search my own memory.

Lady and the Tramp? :smile:

Phil

10-02-2001, 11:12 AM

#8 - LOL!

I would add:

11. Any electronic appliance can, in desperation, be rewired to perform any other desired function.

[ This Message was edited by: Phil on 2001-10-02 11:15 ]

Lara Croft

10-02-2001, 11:25 AM

To The Mister --

Aladdin comes to mind.

On the Disney theme, how about:
-All stepmothers are evil
-You will meet your Prince Charming and live happily ever after at the age of 16.

Guerilla poster

10-02-2001, 11:26 AM

Hugh Hefner principle: The old gentleman always gets to bed a young and beautiful women.

You don't ever see Michael Douglas bedding let's say Faye Dunaway.

Oh wait, Michael douglas does get the younger woman in real life too.

Patience

10-02-2001, 11:27 AM

all Asians speak with a time gap between their lips moving & the words being heard

Han Solo

10-02-2001, 12:04 PM

* When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

* It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

* You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

* The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

* A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

* If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

* If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

* Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

* Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn thes teering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

* A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

* If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

* Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

ASA_Woman

10-02-2001, 12:13 PM

LOL! I loved all of Hans Solo's list ;D

Caffeine Junkie

10-02-2001, 01:16 PM

A couple more...

All PA systems will give a little feedback squeal when you start talking into the microphone.

If you are on foot being chased by a car, be sure to try outrunning it.

Computers will make funny little noises when displaying text.

Any character played by Meg Ryan will end up being very Meg Ryan-ish by the end of the movie.

Computer experts type faster than a twelve-fingered secretary on speed.

Beautiful people have at least some redeeming qualities. Ugly folks don't.

The Mister

10-02-2001, 01:24 PM

Most bad guys have an unmistakably evil tone of voice. [Think Donald Sutherland as the KKK dude (and playing Kiefer's dad) in A Time To Kill.]

thing

10-02-2001, 01:32 PM

If chased into a deserted factory, turn on the machines. They will work, even if no-one has been there for 40 years. The motion and noise will hopelessly confuse your pursuer, but you will be easily able to keep track of them.

Dr T Non-Fan

10-02-2001, 02:43 PM

Actors make too much money;

Producers and directors make too much money;

The crew makes too much money;

We spend too much money going to, buying, and renting movies.

Actuary321

10-02-2001, 02:43 PM

On 2001-10-02 12:04, Han Solo wrote:

* Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn thes teering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

I just thought all cars they use in the movies were just like my dad's.:wink:

Bertie Bott

10-02-2001, 03:11 PM

It's okay for women to go to sleep with make-up on. You won't get zits nor clogged pores and your pillowcase will still be clean in the morning.

A side note about the lipstick remark above: there are lipsticks now that stay on for a long, long time on your lips. Can't remove it with just water.

Drewby

10-02-2001, 05:22 PM

Caffeine Junkie - The computer line is great!!!

BTW - how does one add emoticons to posts? I haven't posted much yet and am curious.

Anonymous

10-02-2001, 06:49 PM

In any police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip club.

Anonymous

10-02-2001, 07:20 PM

* Any car that rear ends another car will catapult into the air, do a 180 and burst into flames.

* Any car is capable of using any conveniently ramp shaped object to jump obstacles in its path, and will still be driveable after landing.

Preppy

10-02-2001, 08:22 PM

You can drive on the highway with lots of cars going the opposite direction and never have a head-on collision.

Anonymous

10-02-2001, 10:51 PM

That arguing and fighting is the best way to get close to someone.

The Mister

10-03-2001, 08:39 AM

On 2001-10-02 18:49, Gruntled Employee wrote:
In any police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip club.And in related matters, nearly all prostitutes are really attractive, and many are actually quite nice and level-headed when you get to know them.

Slick

10-03-2001, 08:40 AM

When driving at night in the city, the roads are always wet.

Anonymous

10-03-2001, 10:57 AM

When cracking a numerical code with 20 digits, the code will be cracked one digit at a time (as opposed to the correct sequence all at once), until one digit is left. Although it has a 1 in ten chance of being chosen correctly, it will run over and over again for a long time. (as in Wargames, among other movies).

Hierophant

10-03-2001, 11:28 AM

On 2001-10-02 11:27, Patience wrote:
all Asians speak with a time gap between their lips moving & the words being heard

Strangely, they all have Chinese/British accents.

Bonnie

10-03-2001, 11:51 AM

All animals can talk and they are more intelligent than humans.

(Can we prove this isn't true?)

Patience

10-03-2001, 12:03 PM

When a group of people eat a meal they all cram around three sides of the table, leaving one side open

There is never weather unless it is relevant to the story

Anonymous

10-03-2001, 12:28 PM

All judges are black or female (or both), except for the evil ones, who are all white men.

Anonymous

10-03-2001, 01:28 PM

Stolen From: http://www.moviecliches.com/

* Explosions in space make noise

* Exposure to vacuum makes you horribly swell up and/or explode within seconds (ex. "Total Recall", "Outland")

* There's a deep humming in space, no doubt about it.

* Space is not Newtonian; spacecraft can't 'coast', but just stop dead if they run out of fuel or power.

* Laser beams are visible in vacuum.

* Spaceships make noise!

* Spaceships always fly perpendicular to the same axis. When two spacecraft encounter each other, they're always aligned on a plane and never approach at odd angles.

* All spaceships, no matter how small, have internal artifical gravity and no matter how badly your ship gets pummeled by the evil aliens in the evil alien ship, no matter how many external panels get blown away, no matter how many sparks or how much smoke pours out of your control panels, the artificial gravity will always keep working.

* There are tiny cameras mounted everywhere, on every panel, in your spaceship. No matter what happens anywhere int eh ship, you will always be able to ask the computer to replay the scene for you later (even if the computer went up in smoke) and unlike those blurry convenience store cameras, your tiny ship cameras always capture everyone's actions at eye-level with perfect lighting.

* Warp or hyper-drive will always fail at critical moments.

* Inertial dampers will always prevent passengers from being plastered against the walls during acceleration into warp speed, yet any explosion will send passengers reeling across the room.

* In a spaceship battle scene, for a ship to fire a weapon at another, it must be in visual range. Even though the 20th century saw the advent of weapons that can be fired without visual contact, the people of the future have lost this technology

Maine-iac

10-03-2001, 02:18 PM

No matter where you drive, there will always be a parking place right in front of your destination.

Phil

10-03-2001, 02:40 PM

"* There are tiny cameras mounted everywhere, on every panel, in your spaceship. "

... however, when a crew member visits a planet surface, correspondence is cameraless and is limited to staticky audio transmissions.

Phil

10-03-2001, 02:50 PM

Never sit near a window when eating in a restaurant, because vehicles get driven through restaurant windows over 100 times a day.

Take 2

10-03-2001, 03:28 PM

Nobody has to wait at a bus stop more than 5 seconds, unless a spurned lover/spouse is trying to talk them out of leaving.

Buses, trains, and planes always leave immediately after the hero/villain boards.

Traci

10-03-2001, 04:01 PM

The first thing that every alien wants when he arrives here - no matter what HE looks like -

is a beautiful white woman.

Patience

10-03-2001, 04:07 PM

or Rieces Pieces

Anonymous

10-03-2001, 04:11 PM

You can stand outside in your nightgown or pajama in the middle of winter and not freeze to death.

Traci

10-03-2001, 05:32 PM

If you THINK the bad guy is dead - just go ahead and turn around to hug your hero - don't bother to kick his gun out of his hands.

No wait! He's NOT dead - AND he has one more round left!!

Don't worry - it will never hit you.

Griffin 1

10-03-2001, 06:00 PM

The reason the bad guy won't get you is that your partner, who you thought was already dead, also has one round left, and manages to shoot the bad guy just as he is about to shoot you.

The Mister

10-03-2001, 06:33 PM

All black men are either justifiably angry or have a GREAT sense of humor (or think they do).

(Actually, there've been a few notable exceptions to that recently, but I think you still knowadum sayum. Jeeah.)

Griffin 1

10-03-2001, 08:55 PM

You can cook up a cure for a deadly virus in a matter of hours just by finding the monkey that hosts the virus.

Anonymous

10-03-2001, 10:14 PM

Universal translators are why we can understand alien species, even though when you watch their lips, it looks like they are speaking English.

Members of the German military always speak English.

The professor knows every single Pacific island dialect.

Bertie Bott

10-03-2001, 11:15 PM

To speak Spanish, just add 'o' at the end of every English word and speak really loudly.

Traci

10-03-2001, 11:27 PM

Even in a city of 8 million people, you will continually run into the person you have yet to recognize as your soulmate.

Rockhound

10-03-2001, 11:52 PM

All presidents of corporations are evil, and the newest member of the firm knows more about what's going on in the company than anyone else.

Caffeine Junkie

10-03-2001, 11:55 PM

When running from grave danger, the woman will always trip and fall.

The man will always turn around and help her back up.

The baddest dude will always die last, and invariably in the most unpleasant way. (Just once I would like to see him simply slip in the bathtub the next morning or something like that.)

If two people are eating in a nice restaurant, one of them always leaves in a huff before dinner is over. And they can say terrible things to each other and nobody around them seems to notice.

And why do people never say "goodbye" before they hang up the phone???

Patience

10-04-2001, 08:49 AM

UU: and while wearing a Universal translator how is it possible to speak in the alien language to impress them?

And no matter how many people are at the meal they all have to leave one side of the table open

10-04-2001, 09:56 AM

Cars never have a rear-view mirror ... unless, of course, the scene calls for the driver looking in the rear-view mirror.

Abducens

10-04-2001, 01:16 PM

Evil insurance companies with hundreds of employees have written documentation that directs them to "Deny all claims," yet no one rats out the company for their own benefit, even those who are inevitably fired over the course of time. Ratings agencies that review and audit the company take no note of the fact that the company attempts to avoid paying claims of any kind on certain lines of business.

These companies are also headed by fatheaded executives who write letters calling persistent claimants "Stupid, stupid, stupid," in the hopes of getting them to go away.

Funniest movie ever.

[ This Message was edited by: Abducens on 2001-10-04 13:21 ]

Caffeine Junkie

10-04-2001, 01:40 PM

We once believed that cowboys in the old west used to have real short neatly-trimmed hair. Then we found that they had longer poofy hair and big fat sideburns. This was proven false as we discovered that they preferred very long flowing hair and scruffy beards. Of course we now know they really did have very short hair.

It is always wise to back up slowly in a dark room when you are expecting danger.

When you close your medicine cabinet, someone really bad will suddenly be standing right behind you. That's why you should never do that.

It is feasible that a 250 pound psycho killer can squeeze in behind the driver's seat without being easily seen before you enter your vehicle. Probably because he disabled your dome light. That's OK, you didn't even notice that it didn't come on.

Abducens

10-04-2001, 01:54 PM

If you want to get African-Americans to go see your science fiction flick, cast Samuel L. Jackson.

E. Blackadder

10-04-2001, 02:05 PM

A quick-witted black sheriff can outwit any number of white western settlers named "Johnson" and bad guys with such phrases as: "Candygram for Mongo!" and "One move and..."

The best way to write five-act plays is in bed.

If two Lords of the Sith disagree about the future, get off the battle station. Now.

If you've ever been really good at fencing or sharpshooting, but have been a hopeless drunkard for 10 years, then an afternoon spent "shaking it off" will bring you back to your prime.

NASA can't even build something when it steals the plans first.

There are numerous killer asteroids all lined up to destroy all life on Earth.

The Uzi was practically made for housewives.

And of course, no matter how advanced the technology, the final confrontation always comes down to a sword fight.

RTackle

10-10-2001, 09:28 AM

phpBB,

Awesome one about going on the away team witht he yellow shirt! They're always the ones to get zapped. A corollary - if you do watch Star Trek, always bet a non-fan that you can tell which person will get killed, then point to the first non-regular character that shows up on screen for more than two seconds.

The Mad Hatter

10-10-2001, 12:17 PM

That's "red shirt" in Trekkie jargon. The expression goes back to the original series. Now of course it applies to any character on an away mission you've never seen before.

*If a dozen bad guys start shooting at you with machine guns, they will all miss. When you return fire with your pistol, it will take approximately 12 shots to dispatch them.

*When the bad guys have killed your buddy and now you're really, really mad. Get a shotgun, an machine gun, a pistol, strap a knife on and bring lots of ammo. You can be assured that you will get to use all the weapons you bring (the knife being used last to kill the leader of the bad guys - in a knife fight).

*It takes about 1-3 blasts from the bad aliens to reduce shields to 1%. In then takes one photon torpedo to destroy the bad guy's ship.

*When the bad alien says "surrender or die!", Troi uses her empathic powers to note "I sense hostility".

Patience

10-10-2001, 02:05 PM

The good guy gets knocked down constantly throughout the fight, the bad guy only goes down at the end.

You can jump or run out of the range of any exploding device. As long as it doesn't actually land on you

Phil

10-10-2001, 05:11 PM

Re: exploding devices:

The key to surviving them is to sense innately, without looking back at the exploding device, exactly when to stop running and dive to the ground.

The Mad Hatter

10-10-2001, 05:46 PM

Speaking of explosions...

*Cars that go over cliffs will explode into flames before they hit the ground.

*Burning vehicles will explode seconds after the victims are pulled clear.

*If someone tosses a handgrenade at you, pick it up and throw it back. It will explode just as he picks it up (or it will explode on landing at his feet).

more cliches:

*after you have killed the bad guys who were chasing you, there is another car full of bad guys waiting around the next corner.

*After you kill them, there is a helecopter around the bend.

*You can knock someone unconscious by hitting them once in back of the head. They never suffer serious injury like a skull fracture, brain hemorrage etc. They will be fine when they wake up a little while later.

*The key to police work (other than visiting strip clubs) is to pay a street informant, they know everything.

Huki

10-10-2001, 06:18 PM

On 2001-10-10 12:17, Hatter wrote:
*When the bad alien says "surrender or die!", Troi uses her empathic powers to note "I sense hostility".

In most other situations, Troi will say "I am sensing ... something."

Dumbo

10-10-2001, 06:33 PM

- Latin, french, and some other languages are essentially identical to english but spoken with a british accent.

- A foreign country, say France, is some sort of theme park with funny people speaking english with a drole accent. Actually, the more relevant people are really american actors or foreigners
who are trying to make it big in
Hollywood.

-American public is too dumb to read sub-titles

-American public is too stupid to see a real foreign movie, so they need an ersatz like "chocolate" or whatever

-American public is not tired yet, and actually loves, the 4 or 5 basic scenarios of all movies: Sport scenario (guy/team wins in the end against all odds and learns something PC), Worst-case scenario (the mother of all catastrophy happens, and everything go even worst, until we get to a couple of easily predicted survivors), action movie scenario (don't bother to comment), chick-movie scenario (don't bother to comment, side-comment: don't expect any real sex), situation comedy (after 15 minutes, you know the situation, the best jokes have been exploited or have been seen in previews, and you can leave).

Hollywood=boring

Dumbo

10-10-2001, 06:37 PM

I just thought of something.

You can actually "see" all these movies by looking the first 15 minutes. Then you get out and reimbursed (at least in my neighborhood).

So Hollywood movies are free! I see. That's why they suck.

Griffin 6

10-10-2001, 09:33 PM

Abducens

10-11-2001, 09:34 AM

Don't be bitter, Dumbo.

Anonymous

10-11-2001, 10:05 AM

A hovercraft can be disabled by someone wielding an antique sword, and can be quickly repaired using duct tape.

A bystander seeing the repaired hovercraft approach a beach will point and yell "Hovercraft!".

(God, I love that movie!)

Dumbo

10-11-2001, 10:26 AM

On 2001-10-10 21:33, Jumbo wrote:
Dumbo: Did you miss the point of this thread?

Things movie thought me, right?
There you go.
In case it wasn't clear, it thought me something about the producers of the movies and the opinion they have of their publics.

Abducen: you're right. Life's too short. I just want to see an intelligent movie from time to time...

Griffin 6

10-11-2001, 11:50 AM

Hierophant

10-11-2001, 09:32 PM

*When the bad alien says "surrender or die!", Troi uses her empathic powers to note "I sense hostility".

I always wondered: Is "Troi" as in "Helen of" or "menage a" ???

All sentient life forms are humanoids, even though they originated in star systems light years apart. Alien species look pretty much like humans except for one or two facial features glued on.

Humans and Klingons are genetically compatible and capable of producing viable offspring, as are humans and vulcans, etc.

**********

When a really good TV show runs out of ideas, all the new episodes are about contemporary social issues - for which neat and effective solutions are found.

Hierophant

10-11-2001, 09:51 PM

Dumbo didn't really cover the field with the film genres, and left out some notables:

The slasher film.
The teen exploitation film.
The prison. (The guy serving life for murder is always the kind and caring sort, while the guards are cruel and taking payoffs from the butt-rapers.)
The women's prison. (Women in prison always take gang showers; the heroine has been falsely convicted but attracts the attention of the bull-dike inmate who runs the place. The warden is a man who takes advantage of the prisoners.)
The military movie. (The drill instructor always gets in a fight with the hero; one of the trainees will commit suicide or murder or both.)

Let's not forget:
The G-Rated movie - animated version - people can fly and animals can talk; fairy godmothers exist.
The G-rate movie - non-animated version - people can fly and animals can talk; fairy godmothers are optional.

Hierophant

10-11-2001, 10:08 PM

The kung fu movie:

The little Chinese kid watches while his parents are brutally murdered by the evil kung fu guy; the kid is spared but not until the evil guy slaps him down and laughs his evil laugh.

The kid meets an old run-down guy who smokes a pipe and drinks too much rice wine. The old guy reluctantly takes the kid in, whereupon we find out the old guy is actually a retired kung fu master.

All kung fu masters know herbal medicine, and carry a little pouch that contains all the herbs needed to cure someone from a severe beating. (If the kid is too old when his parents are murdered, he suffers a severe beating and has to drink some terrible tasting herbal remedy.)

All kung fu training regimens require the student to train over beds of hot coals or fight while doing gymnastics above an area covered with sharpened bamboo spikes.

The kid may meet up with the bad guy before he is fully trained. Rather than killing him, the bad guy fends him off with one or both hands behind his back.

Years later, when the kid has been fully trained, his master will be killed by the evil guy. Even though years have past, the evil guy will not have aged a day, and in fact will be wearing the exact same clothes.

The hero kid will be near dead from the beating he takes at the beginning of the fight, but then come back with a burst of energy to beat the bad guy.

There probably won't be a girl in the movie, but if there is, don't ever stand behind her: all Chinese girls can kick straight up and over their shoulder with devastating effect.

Huki

10-11-2001, 10:46 PM

On 2001-10-11 21:32, Hierophant wrote:

All sentient life forms are humanoids, even though they originated in star systems light years apart. Alien species look pretty much like humans except for one or two facial features glued on.

This was explained in an episode of TNG.

Caffeine Junkie

10-11-2001, 11:51 PM

Actually, it is not totally unreasonable to assume a humanoid form among advanced life forms. Aside from the possibility that they are related, having been put on planets to evolve on their own, it is plausable to assume that for a species to become really advanced it must:

1) Be bipedal. One foot is not enough, and eight is interesting, but redundant.

2) Have two arms, and some kind of attachments at the end of them which would allow for contruction of complex machinery, weapons, etc.

3) Walk upright, or at least in a way that allows the hands to be free to work while still being mobile.

4) Have stereo vision. Again, one eye is probably not enough and 4 is not necessary. You might think that having 360 degree vision is necessary, but only in prey, not in a predator.

5) Have a large brain.

It kind of starts looking kind of human when you look at it that way. Anyway, I didn't make that all up, I read it somewhere a while back. I wish I could remember where.

Anonymous

10-12-2001, 12:38 PM

In American martial arts movies, any wimp can learn to be a great fighter but not by actually receiving any martial arts training - instead the training will take the form of mundane tasks such as waxing cars or having coconuts dropped on you.

In foreign martial arts movies, any wimp can learn to be a great fighter but not by training at a large, well-established martial arts school - instead the training will be administered by an old drunk who looks like he could keel over at any minute.

All action stars must spout a pithy one-liner after dispatching one of the major bad guys. Otherwise, the bad guy is not dead yet.

In the movies, a stalker who in real life would be arrested is in fact a romantic fool who always gets the girl in the end - even if it isn't the girl he was stalking.

When there are no men around, pretty girls have pillow fights in sexy underwear.

Any group of bumbling idiots can beat the best team in the league if they have enough "heart", despite lacking strength, speed, and talent.

When the nerdy girl takes her glasses off and changes her clothes and hair, she will suddenly sprout huge breasts and be amazingly hot.

When the nerdy guy takes his glasses off and changes his clothes and hair, he will suddenly sprout huge muscles and be amazingly hot.

Cute and cuddly aliens are good. Scary-looking aliens with lots of sharp teeth are evil.

Every attractive woman wants to go to bed with James Bond, even if she is actually supposed to be killing him. She will plan to kill him afterward, only to be thwarted by a gadget that seemed completely useless when he first received it.

Everybody knows every word to every song playing on the radio, no matter how obscure.

In action movies, if the bad guy is hit by a car, he keeps running. If the good guy is hit by a car, the bad guy gets away. In a comedy, anyone getting hit by a car is funny - the farther they fly, the funnier it is.

In any movie and in any context, James Earl Jones' voice will be the voice of authority.

Bad guys all have well-rehearsed maniacal laughs.

When infiltrating the bad guy's stronghold, the guards are the same shoe, waist, and shirt size as the good guys so that their clothes will fit them perfectly after they get beat up. Except for that one time in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

When the martial arts star is holding himself on the ceiling in a manner mere mortals cannot, the bad guys will walk right under him and never, ever look up.

Although Indians used to be dangerous and scary, Native Americans are now known to be humorous and friendly.

Dumbo

10-12-2001, 02:46 PM

Hierophant:
Its "ménage à trois". trois is three.
Meaning more or less "relationship among three"

Axiom (in life or movie): All french couples include at least three persons.

Dumbo

10-12-2001, 02:50 PM

And Helen was from "Troye", as in "Trojan war". There seems to be confusion in english between the latin root (Troja ?) and the greek root (with the y, which does not exist in latin).

Hierophant

10-12-2001, 04:21 PM

Dumbo, and I was taking some poetic license to have a little fun. I never thought she was that good looking, which would rule out the Helen of Troy angle.

And who in their right mind would jump in bed with her and Ryker?

Speaking of evolution, we have:

Star Trek - Uhura
TNG - The short-lived security chick, and Troi.
Deep Space Nine - ??
Voyager - 7 of 9
Enterprise - the Vulcan chick

I would say they are making progress. I, for one, was disappointed with the trash content in the premier of Enterprise. Star Trek has always been a pretty clean show, and it seems like they are going out of their way to be trashy now.

The Mister

10-12-2001, 04:39 PM

On 2001-10-12 12:38, Idle Hands wrote:
When there are no men around, pretty girls have pillow fights in sexy underwear.You mean they don't?When the nerdy guy takes his glasses off and changes his clothes and hair, he will suddenly sprout huge muscles and be amazingly hot....and have a giant letter "S" pasted to his chest. :smile:Every attractive woman wants to go to bed with James Bond, even if she is actually supposed to be killing him....and a few unattractive ones... apparently chicks really dig middle-aged guys who drink and smoke.

The Mister

10-12-2001, 04:41 PM

On 2001-10-12 16:21, Hierophant wrote:
Speaking of evolution, we have:
Star Trek - Uhura
TNG - The short-lived security chick, and Troi.
Deep Space Nine - ??Dax! Man, DS9 could have lasted forever. Much better than Voyager ever could have been. (IMO)

[ This Message was edited by: The Mister on 2001-10-12 16:42 ]

Dumbo

10-12-2001, 05:03 PM

Dull friday afternoon, got bored, here's what I read in the onion:

CHICAGO—Video Station customer Peter Lisowitz expressed annoyance and amusement Monday, when every single person in the video store was overheard saying "the stupidest things imaginable."

"I was wandering up and down the aisles looking for something to rent," Lisowitz said. "During that time, I was privy to some of the most ridiculously idiotic comments ever uttered."

In the 20 minutes Lisowitz browsed the store before deciding to rent Memento, he "actually heard with [his] own two ears" customers saying that Being John Malkovich was really weird and made no sense, Dead Man Walking was depressing and went on way too long, and Frances McDormand is too ugly to be in the movies.

In addition to dismissing movies and actors Lisowitz admires, customers had high praise for those he dislikes.

"Some woman said, 'Keanu Reeves is such a great actor. He just really gets into a role. I wish he'd do a movie with Tom Cruise. That'd be an amazing pairing,'" Lisowitz said. "That's an actual quote."

Adding to Lisowitz's disbelief, a college-aged male held up a Rush Hour box for approval from his girlfriend. She responded by saying, "Ew, I hate foreign films."

"Not only does she think, for some unfathomable reason, that the presence of Jackie Chan makes the movie 'foreign,' but she makes the blanket statement that she hates foreign films—all of them," Lisowitz said. "Yeah, you're right. Foreign films, on the whole, just aren't worth watching. Better stick to high-quality American fare like The Waterboy and Tomcats."

Added Lisowitz: "It's not like I'm some freako movie snob who only watches Fellini and Cassavetes films. I liked Saving Private Ryan and Toy Story 2. And Meet The Parents was pretty good. But these people are complete retards."

According to Lisowitz, when choosing a movie to rent, many customers based their decision on "shit you wouldn't believe," such as the picture on the video's box, the impressive number of copies on the store's shelf, or their memories of the trailer for the film.

"This girl goes, 'I never saw What Women Want, but I remember it looked really funny in the trailer. Mel Gibson shaves his legs and puts on makeup and pantyhose. And there's this scene where he catches Helen Hunt looking at his crotch. We gotta get it,'" he said. "I didn't know whether to laugh or cry."

Above: Peter Lisowitz
Continued Lisowitz: "Then, I hear this other guy go, 'I heard Driven was really good.' How? From whom? Who are your friends? Where could you possibly have obtained that information? These people were like aliens from a planet where everyone is a moron and watches bad movies."

Lisowitz said that another customer based his rental decision on a heavily manipulated, ellipses-riddled, exclamation-point-augmented quote from Rolling Stone film critic Peter Travers. Reading the back of the box for the critically panned Blow, the unidentified man told his female companion, "The guy from Rolling Stone says it's "full of... visual dazzle! A [wild ride] with... a bravura performance from Depp! Blow delivers!"

"How could anybody be swayed by that?" Lisowitz asked. "It's obvious they had to mangle the hell out of the original review to get that blurb. When have you ever read a movie review that had exclamation points?"

The stupidity, Lisowitz said, was not limited to Video Station customers. Store employees seemed to know little about film, either.

"I asked the store manager if there was an anime section," Lisowitz said. "So he says to me, 'Most of the Disney stuff is in the kids section. Is there a specific cartoon I can help you find?' This is the manager."

Lisowitz insisted that he was not trying to eavesdrop on his fellow customers.

"I swear, I'm not a snoop—you just couldn't avoid hearing them," Lisowitz said. "The aisles were crawling with people saying things like, 'Autumn In New York made me bawl' and 'I've seen American Pie, like, 25 times.' It took every ounce of strength in my body to keep me from punching that guy, like, 25 times."

Though he did not punch anyone, Lisowitz admitted to rolling his eyes several times and emitting the occasional "pfff" sound.

Horatio Dimwitty

10-12-2001, 11:06 PM

The conflict in action movies between the 2 key adversaries may only be resolved through hand-to-hand combat.

No bomb can be defused with more than 1 second left on the timer.

All attractive blondes have a moderately overweight angst-ridden brunette friend.

Speeding cars attract fruit carts.

Most assassination attempts on secret agents occur on ski slopes.

Cast members in slasher movies are unable to run. Their cars never start either.

Griffin 6

10-12-2001, 11:58 PM

Hierophant

10-14-2001, 04:46 PM

anime = Cartoons for snobs.

Never mess with a chick who can catch flies with her eyelashes! (What's her name again??)

Dr T Non-Fan

10-14-2001, 05:42 PM

I sure hope you know what "The Onion" is. Otherwise, I'd think that you don't have one of those special little spots in your elbows.

Dumbo

10-15-2001, 06:42 AM

I thought it was simply a satyrical paper.

Feel free to enlighten me if I'm missing something.

Intents

10-15-2001, 10:31 AM

The misspelling of satirical was precious. It made a beautiful double entendre completely befitting the would be king writer.

Abducens

10-15-2001, 10:54 AM

>>>Never mess with a chick who can catch flies with her eyelashes! (What's her name again??)

Aeon Flux

Dr T Non-Fan

10-15-2001, 12:20 PM

Yes, a satirical paper, in which every single story is created, not discovered. Every person in each story is created, unless it's a well-known person who's being made fun of.
In this case, The Onion was making fun of the renting habits of both the common people AND the snobbish people. You are likely to know people of both types (or actually be one), and are expected to laugh at the characterizations.

And, if the joke has to be explained...

Hierophant

10-15-2001, 10:02 PM

Sorry, I forgot to check my guns at the door; I spend too much time at the political forum and overlooked the Onion reference.

I like movies of all kinds. Except the ones that suck.

Bingo! Aeon Flux it is! Simultaneously art, trash, science fiction and pornography. The sound is quite good on the right system, too.

Dumbo

10-16-2001, 01:53 PM

On 2001-10-15 10:31, Intents wrote:
The misspelling of satirical was precious. It made a beautiful double entendre completely befitting the would be king writer.

and "double entendre" isn't mispelled? It doesn't even make sense!

At least, my mistake was to go back to the etymology of satirical (the "satyre" of fairy tales). The "Great voyel shift" got rid of that "y": I stand corrected.

But yours only shows you are using expressions you can't understand. Your spelling is like saying "double to dip" instead of "double dipping".

Weatherman

10-16-2001, 04:10 PM

On 2001-10-16 13:53, Dumbo wrote:

On 2001-10-15 10:31, Intents wrote:
The misspelling of satirical was precious. It made a beautiful double entendre completely befitting the would be king writer.

and "double entendre" isn't mispelled? It doesn't even make sense!

At least, my mistake was to go back to the etymology of satirical (the "satyre" of fairy tales). The "Great voyel shift" got rid of that "y": I stand corrected.

But yours only shows you are using expressions you can't understand. Your spelling is like saying "double to dip" instead of "double dipping".

Double entendre isn't misspelled and Intents used it properly. While entendre is now obsolete in French, the phrase double entendre remains in English. Satirical and Satyrical are both English words with distinct meanings so there is nothing wrong with claiming a "double meaning."

The etymology of satire isn't clearly related to that of Satyr, although they've influenced each other. If I'm not mistaken, they both have distinct Latin roots from long before the "Great Vowel Shift."

Hierophant

10-16-2001, 05:01 PM

"It is better to keep quiet and be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt."

No fools here, though: I suspect we are dealing with a non-native speaker of the language (just guessing and no offense meant!)

Huki

10-16-2001, 06:51 PM

Wimpy white guys are experts at jazz trivia.

Dumbo

10-19-2001, 01:26 PM

Thanks Weatherman.
I know etymology is not always an exact science. I am curious to know your source when you say satyre and satire don't have the same etymon.

Dumbo

10-19-2001, 03:47 PM

I forgot Weatherman: "entendre" is not obsolete at all in french and very common indeed. It means "to hear".
I would like to understand how the heck did we end up with an expression as stupidly mistaken as "double entendre". Quotes?
And does it simply mean ambiguous?

G. Ringo

10-19-2001, 04:30 PM

I think that a double entendre means an ambiguous statement both of whose meanings are intended.

Hierophant

10-20-2001, 03:54 PM

Check your American Heritage online dictionary. Both the satire/satyr and obsolete French comments are substantiated in that source.

As to French, are you referring to French or Canadian French? I understand the two have some diverging idiom.

independent

10-20-2001, 11:08 PM

From TV -

All humorous problems can be solved in 1/2 hour.

Serious problems can be wrapped up neatly in an hour.

(For some reason, the same problems usually require 90 minute at the theater.)

Griffin 1

10-20-2001, 11:11 PM

The RDs of all college dorms are big, lovable guys who got serious about school after their football career was ended by an injury.

E. Blackadder

09-14-2003, 12:22 AM

Per Glenn,

:bump:

1695814

10-01-2003, 02:26 PM

From TV -

All humorous problems can be solved in 1/2 hour.

Serious problems can be wrapped up neatly in an hour.

(For some reason, the same problems usually require 90 minute at the theater.)

Of course, tv shows have commercial breaks, so you've got to factor that in too.

Hierophant

10-03-2003, 12:39 AM

I think that a double entendre means an ambiguous statement both of whose meanings are intended.

A double entendre is usually a word-play where the direct and literal meaning works in context, but a different meaning is apparent to those who are aware of it. Frequently/commonly, the different meaning is of a ribald nature, where explicitly using stating such meaning would not be acceptable. e.g. consider my tag at left.

e.g. Classic from The Tonight Show, Johnny Carson interviews Arnold Palmer's wife (as I recall/paraphrasing):

Carson: What do you do to give him good luck before a golf match?

Mrs. Palmer: I kiss his (golf) balls.

Carson: I bet that makes his putter stand up!

With the rising vulgarity of broadcast TV, and the complete lack of standards for cable TV or movies, the art of the double entendre is largely lost.