What to say to somebody who just failed an exam

[Troy McClure]

Well, we did the thread on what not to say...

One of my least favorite things about the profession is facing, every six months, people who failed their exams. Especially difficult are the "forever failing" people. I'm talking people who struggled to get 3 or 4 exams when they were single and 25-30, and are now trying to get number 7 for associateship at 35-40 with kids, and there's a good chance they will never make it. I don't think there is a good thing to say to somebody who failed, so when they let me know, I just say "Sorry to hear it", and run away as fast as possible. Anybody have better ideas?

[oldgirl]

Nothing. Just let them talk/rant/rage/etc.... Offer them a drink/lunch later.

[Franchise]

Just commiserate. It's good that you realize that they have failed a few in a row. It's been my experience that they (and I'm speaking because I was one of them) don't really like that "you'll get it next time" pep talk.

[Troy McClure]

"you'll get it next time" pep talk.

I think it's human nature to give that talk, and hard to avoid it without conscious effort on my part.

[jets fan]

If applicable, I'll tell them how many times I failed that particular exam. Ex = for people failing Part 7, I tell them that I failed the old 7 twice and the new 7 once. I think that sometimes it helps them to know that there's other people in the same boat.

[Wolverine]

Hey Troy, you talkin' 'bout me? I am now 35 with only 3 exams (though on my defense, I have only been seriously taking them for about 3 years, before that, on and off)

I don't like your insinuations. OK, maybe you are right, but I'm not done trying yet!

[Franchise]

I know it's human nature, Troy. And maybe it's just me, but that pep talk gets (got) to me.

[Troy McClure]

Hey Troy, you talkin' 'bout me? I am now 35 with only 3 exams (though on my defense, I have only been seriously taking them for about 3 years, before that, on and off)

I don't like your insinuations. OK, maybe you are right, but I'm not done trying yet!

Hey, no offense, just trying to figure out what to say! I did have a particular person in mind, but it's not you. He's 35 too, problem is, he's only got 6 exams, and he has only taken two sittings off since college (pretty serious about it for every sitting other than those two).

[Wolverine]

Whoa! And I thought I was bad. Since 2000 I am 2 for 5 sittings, so not too bad. After the next two I anticipate being 4 for 7 with 5 exams down.

[Dr T Non-Fan]

"This calls for a beer."

[Maxine]

"I'm really sorry. I know you worked really hard and must be very disappointed. Sometimes this career really sucks."

[ThE BlacK ScoRpioN]

Trust me, I know the feeling. I failed an exam once too. Of course I had just changed jobs, moved, bought myself a new house and a new car *cough*inthesamemonth*cough*, my wife had given birth 3 days before the exam and I had to be rushed out of the exam room for appendititis. But I failed. It sucks.

[G. Gordon Wolfe]

Know someone who never failed (and yes, they sat them all!). I'm convinced she's from another galaxy.

[Troy McClure]

I was thinking about this as I started this thread.... I had an old boss who never failed. How I found this out was, once, when I failed, he told me (no exaggeration, believe me this is an exact quote) "That's tough. I guess, it's hard for me to understand because I never failed any, but I bet it would be really hard to take after studying so hard, so I'm sorry". For his level of personal skills, this was actually probably his best effort at being kind and understanding.

[Daria]

I had one of those bosses, too. Well, boss's boss, but, whatever.
After an especially heinous sitting, when I didn't get the chance to crack a book until ~2 weeks before the exam (and of course, failed), he regaled me with a story about how that happened to him once. He had been working on this hellish project that involved lots of travel, and didn't get a chance to study until 3 weeks before the exam. The project ended, he said "see you in 3 weeks" to his boss, and studied 18 hours a day for 3 weeks and passed. :o

[Cynic]

From personal experience: there are 4 kinds of people who would talk to you when you fail an exam:

1. People who never failed: whatever they say to you sucks. Maybe they mean well, but you just don't think they can sympathize with you. What do they know about failing?

2. People who failed a lot but have become actuaries: they can comfort you by telling you how many times they failed that particular exam. Still, you keep wondering how much they remember--the feelings, the disappointment...

3. People who are failing like you: yes, you sympathize with each other. Telling each other that the system sucks. But so what, you feel worse after the talk because all you did was making excuses.

4. Your family, who don't take actuarial exams: they are the best people to talk to. My family never say much after I fail an exam (no "I'm sorry you failed" crap), but I know that I can complain to them anytime, and they don't think I'm stupid if I fail.

The point is, don't try to comfort someone who's just failed. Just treat him/her normally.

[Quasi]

I recently had a friend ask me if I thought he should hang it up and quit taking exams....that was a tough conversation, how do you help someone decide what to do in that situation?

[Troy McClure]

You don't. You make comments like "It is tough, and that's a hard question." And, "There's other stuff out there if you really want to quit". And, "People that finish are always glad they do." and let him start talking - most likely he doesn't want your advice as much as he wants to talk it through himself and he wants you to listen.

[GA Peach]

I agree with Troy - good response! I think we all (well...maybe not those folks who don't fail) have come to a point in our "exam careers" when we ask ourselves if we should continue or cut our losses and do something different. That is a decision that you and only you can make.

[Quasi]

Yeah Troy, that's the approach I tried to take but he kept pushing wanting to know if I thought he could do it....we had worked together pretty closely and studied together some early on so I had a good feeling for his abilities. It was one of those tough cases where he was busting his a$$ and getting nothing but 5's for years. He had developed some insecurity issues from failing so much and basically just wanted some feedback on whether or not he was smart enough to pass.

After talking he ended up deciding to take a sitting off and he's studying like a wild man now....the break seemed to energize him. Not the best idea for everyone but it seemed to help him....keep your fingers crossed that he'll pass.

[The Drunken Actuary.]

Buy them a beer.