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between breaths

Posted 03-10-2009 at 12:32 AM by sweetiepie
Updated 04-27-2009 at 01:42 AM by sweetiepie

It's not the hug itself you idiots, it's the meaning of the hug. it's in the syntax.

I'm between jobs, as they like to say. it's optimistic, i suppose, but it's not like i look to the left and see 1 job, and look to the right and see another, which is what the idiom implies. it's more like I'm nervous. I'm happy I guess. Maybe I have too many friends? But I'm happy I guess. I live my life much better when I don't have a full time job. Nervous all the time, but richer when I'm not saddened. Not many people are.

Most people need work all the time. And babies. And sex. And cheesy chips. Most people. I have my addictions too. But my addictions interrupt something. Most people have nothing to interrupt.

Suicides, I figure sometimes, at least have something to kill themselves over. Most people don't even have that. Suicides kill themselves because there is an absence. A hole in their life. Most people are so thin they don't have room for a hole. They can't imagine killing themselves because they can't imagine anything. Not that sadness is all that grand.

Not that anything is. I don't really believe in living life to its fullest either. It ends in death either way. The spirit dies with the body. This is obvious, when someone is drunk or high, or crazy or brain damaged. The spirit diminishes. The spirit diminishes throughout life. Not in the sense that it empties, but in the sense that there is less to fill. Not that an ending reduces a story. But what of being full? What of being brighter? What does the light bulb think of its own luminosity? A better question: What if everything went dark?

Forget about space for a second. Think only in terms of time. And evolution or whatever. If we wiped out all life, if the doomsday clock struck midnight, how long would it take for life to begin again? (life will begin again, we are not so very special. if there's one discovery that man has made, again and again and again, it's that he is not so very special.) So how long would it take? Billions of years? Hundreds of billions of years? It doesn't matter, you see, because none of those years will be witnessed. One second passes- when all life is wiped out. The next second that passes is when life has started again. All the time between is as meaningless as the size of the empty sky. Certainly it matters that there is a sky, and that it is vast. But beyond that fact, the depth of the void is arbitrary.

The spaces then, between action and inaction, are they not arbitrary too? So what if everyone around me is neither alive nor dead. The unliving people mean nothing. They have no meaning.

Spaces. Partitions. In terms of how time is experienced,
1 40 year life
= 2 20 year lives
= 4 10 year lives.
Then separate the partitions: What if the 2 20 year olds are living at the same time?
What if the 2 20 year olds live 50 years apart?
What of the space between?

And add shading:
What if the 40 year life is lived by retarded man?
What if he experiences time at half the speed that the 20 year life does?
What if the 20 year life sleeps half the time?
What if, instead of sleeping, a man is killed and a new one is born the next day?

Would life be worse? Would life be better or worse if the life expectancy was 15 years? Would it be better or worse if we were all retarded? Would it be better or worse if none of us gave a damn? Would it be better or worse if there were only 10 people alive at a time? No no no. The question only makes so much sense.

It's in the syntax anyway. Sarah admitted that she's not a great person. Everyone thinks she is because she goes out of her way to help them. She volunteers to tutor, she drives her friends around town, she shows up at work and just helps out and asks nothing in return. But of course she gets something in return. Something that's far more valuable than her own time. Not altruism exactly. Just friendship really. Which is what makes her time valuable in the first place. Most people don't get that.

On the other hand. When it comes to living life to it's fullest. Cady. The one you probably know as the whore? She had a net hung above her bed full of paper butterflies. One day I put a bat in it.
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