Relationship Question #6.9Bx.001

Mog · #1 08-06-2012, 02:41 PM

A good friend of mine recently called me to discuss his latest relationship conundrum, and I thought I'd pitch it to the AO for hopefully hours of funs and entertainings.

He and his girlfriend are in their mid-20s, have recently graduated from graduate school (same school, different programs), and have been dating for ~2 years. (AO relevant: she's very cute but perhaps a bit "in a relationship" thick; he is "in a relationship" thick to a much greater degree, but carries it well). They moved into her parents house because a) it is big enough and 2) it will allow them to throw lots of money at their debt and into savings. He accepted a job in the area, and she has as well (although she will not be starting for another month or two).

There is a presumption of impending marriage that is shared by just about everyone involved (her, her family, his family), except him. He obviously helped perpetuate that expectation by his actions, but he--admittedly--felt that way too until maybe a few months ago. Now he feels like he abdicated his responsibility on a lot of important decisions along the way and doesn't know how it came to this. The sudden reversal is probably due to several factors (MOST of which grew from living together), but it was sped up by an interaction with an attractive lady over the weekend that batted her lashes a few times at him and made him yearn for the "single life."

He doesn't know what to do because he does legitimately have real feelings for her and they have obviously begun to build a life together, but they're not on the same page (anymore?) as far as their immediate future goes (she drops ring hints often).

So, is he obviously unfit for marriage (right now), or are these normal pre-marital butterflies that, if he just sticks it out, will pass? Are these types of thoughts indicative of something deeper? Is it better to get out now, for both of them? What gives, AO?

One final relevant factoid: several times during the conversation, he alluded to the likelihood that she would be very upset if they were to break up now. I later pointed out to him that not once did he say anything of how HE would feel if they broke up. He didn't really know what to say to that.

Aeitra · #2 08-06-2012, 02:45 PM

In before, Whats her # for rebound

Redhead · #3 08-06-2012, 02:45 PM

First in with the requisite:

murder-suicide

The Cuddling Wingman · #4 08-06-2012, 02:45 PM

Quote:

The sudden reversal is probably due to several factors (MOST of which grew from living together), but it was sped up by an interaction with an attractive lady over the weekend that batted her lashes a few times at him and made him yearn for the "single life."

More, plz

Mog · #5 08-06-2012, 02:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Cuddling Wingman

More, plz

There really isn't more. It was just a bit of flirty here, lashes there, have a nice day. He didn't cheat or anything.

The Cuddling Wingman · #6 08-06-2012, 02:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mog

There really isn't more. It was just a bit of flirty here, lashes there, have a nice day. He didn't cheat or anything.

More on this, then?

Sexytimes (believe it or not, she wants it too frequently, and he turns her down), little fights (dinner, dishes, when will you be home,

), doesn't feel like he has the freedom to do what he wants (play volleyball, have a beer with the guys by himself), etc.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MountainHawk

Also, how disappointed will he be if he's still single 10-15 years from now. Just because he's had one successful long term relationship doesn't mean he'd find one when he is "more ready". I screwed up a good relationship in early 20s, and didn't have anything resembling a long term relationship until I met my wife like 9 years later.

He has actually had several successful long term relationships, until they were no longer successful. This is actually a bit of a pattern; falls in love with girl, everything is awesome, then suddenly it's not, then he is out. I left that out because I wanted opinions more on the general situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Colonel Smoothie

Eh, these events/feelings/flirtations will happen in his next relationship, and the one after that, and the one after that, and so on, and so forth.

So if he wants to stay in a permanent relationship, he'll have to overcome those urges eventually, no matter whom he is with.

CS, I did say that to him. He just kept replying that he is young and he isn't ready to settle down.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sneakerx

If that's all it took for him to start having doubts about the girl he has at "home" (I say "home" because they're living in her parents' house), then tell him to get out now. I'm curious, though, did he have a crazy time laying pipe all over the city when he was single or is it, as Anthemyst said, delusions of being a player?

He actually does OK, but he's not a one-night-stand kind of guy. I think he wants to be. Instead, he dates them for 2 years, and then leaves for this reason or that. That's probably worse than being a player.

FTR, this is the closest that he has got to marriage, and I actually believed that that was where it was going this time too until recently.

MountainHawk · #9 08-06-2012, 02:46 PM

Tough to say. It could be that he matured in a way that this isn't a good fit for him anymore, or it could just be committment jitters.

He has to be fair with her and let her know that he's x years away from being ready to propose, and let her decide if that's acceptable to her. If he can never see himself proposing, then it's time to cut her loose now.

Redhead · #10 08-06-2012, 02:47 PM

That being said...um, does this guy know how to think for himself? Why would he marry her if he's not feelin' it and just because she'd be 'very upset'...? Hello?! Wouldn't she be more upset if he marrys her, regrets it, and ends up having an affair that leads to a divorce?

Duh.

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