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  #41  
Old 08-27-2004, 10:41 PM
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Warning: Contains adult content.

A couple had moved into a new town with their teen-aged son. They were a little apprehensive about sending him to new school as their son did not make friends that easily. When he returned from his first day of school, his mom asked him how his first day went. He said with a grin, "I got laid." This was not the response the mom was expecting and she got flustered and sent him to his room. When the father got home he asked about the first day and his wife told him to ask his son. So the dad goes up to the room and asks he son, "How was school?" The son replies "I got laid." The dad, more composed than mom, tells his son that he shouldn't tell his mother things like that and that he's glad the first day went so well.

On the second day the son comes home from school and doesn't say anything to his mom. When the dad gets home he asks, with a sense of pride, "Did you get laid today?" The son relpies, "No, my ass hurts too much from yesterday."
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  #42  
Old 08-27-2004, 10:49 PM
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Along a similar vein:

A guy is having major digestive problems and goes to the doctor's office. The doctor tells him he will have to use suppositories once a day for a month and it should clear up. The doctor says he will put the first one in for the guy and procedes to do so.

The next morning the guy is trying to put the suppository in but is having major issues. His wife offers to help him out and grabs him by the shoulder and proceeds to shove in the suppository. As she does so, the man lets out a blood-curdling scream. His wife asks if she hurt him. "No," he says, "I just realized the doctor had both of his hands on my shoulders yesterday!!!"
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  #43  
Old 08-29-2004, 11:41 PM
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A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"
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  #44  
Old 08-30-2004, 12:19 AM
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Some of these realllllly crack me up..
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  #45  
Old 08-30-2004, 10:38 AM
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Two guys are working on the roof and the ladder blows over and they are stranded. One of the guys is trying to figure a way to get down when all of a sudden, he notices the other guy already on the ground.

"How did you get down?" he hollars.

"There is a pile of horseshit on the other side that's only ankle deep," replied the other.

So the guy still on the roof jumps in and sinks up to his neck in the stuff.

"I thought you said it only went up to your ankles," he yelled.

"It did," replied the other. "I jumped head-first..."
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  #46  
Old 08-31-2004, 11:17 PM
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A drunk is leaning against a lightpost on the corner of a busy street.

While gazing blearily around, he notices a smartly dressed young man standing a few feet away, watching the people pass by. As the drunk is watching, a lovely lady comes walking along, and the young man says something to her. She immediately smiles, shakes her head, and takes his hand. The two of them together go up the stairs of a nearby row house, and inside.

A short while later, the two come back down, grinning from ear to ear. They embrace affectionately, and the lady departs.

This happens several times in the next few hours with different ladies. Once the lady frowned, and after some further words from the young man, merely nodded her head and walked on. The drunk strained his ears to hear what was being said, but just couldn't make it out. Finally, his curiosity overcame his need for vertical support, and he stumbled over to the young man.

Drunk: "Shay bud. Wha's goin' on?"

Young Man: "Yes, I saw you watching. I wondered when you would come over. Well, it's like this. I watch the people. When I see a lady that takes my fancy, I walk up to her and say, softly, 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' If she is agreeable to the idea, we go upstairs to my room and have a good time. If she becomes upset, I merely say, 'Typical nasty weather.' She assumes that she misheard me the first time, and just keeps going. I can't lose!"

Drunk: "Tha's a great idea! I'll have to run home and try it mysel'."

So the drunk wobbles to his own home and stands leaning against the fence. Soon a very lovely lady comes walking briskly along, and the drunk decides that this is his big chance. So he stumbles over to the lady and grabs her arm.

Lady: "Yes?"

Drunk: "HEY BABE, C'N I STICK A FEATHER UP YOUR ASS?"

Lady: "WHAT?!?"

Drunk: (looking at the sky) "F*ckin' rain!"
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  #47  
Old 09-01-2004, 09:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jables
Jables is leaning against a lightpost on the corner of a busy street......
i like that joke. But why did you change the name? To protect the guilty?
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  #48  
Old 09-01-2004, 02:50 PM
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a baby seal walks into a club...
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  #49  
Old 09-01-2004, 07:30 PM
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I got a new state-of-the-art, Sony car stereo for Christmas;

It has hands free control.

If I yell - "Classic" it plays classical music.

If I yell - "Country" it plays country music.

If I yell - "Rock" it plays rock & roll.

Yesterday 2 kids ran in front of me and I almost wrecked.
I yelled "F*cking Kids" and it played Michael Jackson
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  #50  
Old 09-01-2004, 07:34 PM
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Heard this one from Dick Cheney when he was up in Chicago for a visit...

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A: One is dangerous to children and the other is a grocery bag...
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