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  #1031  
Old 06-21-2018, 10:41 AM
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Tiffany Tiffany is online now
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Originally Posted by kmhst25 View Post
I want to ask why you felt so sure you couldn't trust your own impressions of him, but at this stage it doesn't really matter.
I'm going to tell you anyway . There were multiple reasons for this.
  1. Bad timing. Sorting out which of your natural impulses are more bipolar driven and which are actually your own, makes trusting your own conclusions very difficult.
  2. This was made even more difficult by the fact that nobody around me seemed to agree with my point of view.
  3. SO was not helping, either. He can obviously pull the "you're just being crazy" card anytime something becomes too inconvenient for him to deal with, but that really isn't his most effective play. When he uses (long winded) logic to somehow talk me out of my conclusions, I become inclined to believe him. What's interesting here is that, I'm starting to realize that he's not actually talking me out of anything, just arguing tangents to the point of me agreeing with something, but the something is mostly unrelated to the original topic at hand.
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Originally Posted by kmhst25 View Post
Right now, I think the bolded is important. Communication is a huge barrier in relationships and if he's not listening, there's literally nothing you can do to make things better. He might learn to listen through therapy or something else but he has to do that first, before you can fix things at all.
My previous long term relationship taught me a lot about the value of effective communication, and having respect for one another; we really had those parts down, and quite frankly, we still could. In another place, another time, we surely could have lived a very long, happy life together. But that's not what happened. In the end, we didn't share the same short term goals, and I got tired of waiting.

What was my point of even saying all that? Well, communication issues at least have the potential to get better over time. Having different goals in life though - that one's trickier.
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However, you should realize that there's a good chance he won't learn to listen. I'm pretty sure most people with this problem never do. If he doesn't change, then you should really consider the fact that your own therapist thinks you will break up. Up until now you've always said you can't, but it's looking like you might have to. Planning for that possibility will make it easier.
While I always knew that SO was ultimately doing something very wrong, I could never quite figure out what his intentions really were. It was only very recently that I started noticing that he might be socially awkward and not just a total prick - an idea which I always found easier to swallow. Knowing the truth now feels like progress to me. Very marginal progress.

I actually chuckled when my shrink said we were probably going to break up in a couple of years if things continue as they are. Normal people in our situation would have broken up - but like, 3-4 years ago. We're both holding on to the potential that we see in each other. It's not an especially healthy thing to do, I imagine, but I take comfort in the fact that it's not a totally delusional potential.

Note that my shrink did walk back the break-up part in the end - I couldn't tell exactly if it was just a comfort tactic or he really did think it was possible. He went on to say something about not being able to change people, but that it was possible to influence them in some ways. If that wasn't the case, then there would be no such thing as therapy, now would there .
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You wouldn’t be Tiffany if there wasn’t at least some risk at any given point in time that you’re going to go batshit and threaten to burn our houses down. Why stop posting now?
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  #1032  
Old 06-21-2018, 10:50 AM
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If you don't like this person, why stay with him?
There's a post somewhere that I listed all of his good qualities in response to this question - but I think the key point of that list was that he makes me a perfectly foamed cappuccino every morning.
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You wouldn’t be Tiffany if there wasn’t at least some risk at any given point in time that you’re going to go batshit and threaten to burn our houses down. Why stop posting now?
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  #1033  
Old 06-21-2018, 10:54 AM
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There's a post somewhere that I listed all of his good qualities in response to this question - but I think the key point of that list was that he makes me a perfectly foamed cappuccino every morning.
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You wouldn’t be Tiffany if there wasn’t at least some risk at any given point in time that you’re going to go batshit and threaten to burn our houses down. Why stop posting now?
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  #1034  
Old 06-21-2018, 11:03 AM
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Your jacket looks dope.

Wikipedia tells me that Starbucks employs 238,000 people. Your dating pool is very large.
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  #1035  
Old 06-21-2018, 11:31 AM
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Your jacket looks dope.

Wikipedia tells me that Starbucks employs 238,000 people. Your dating pool is very large.
Also, you could probably convince him to make you a perfectly foamed cappuccino "for when he's out of town" and then kick him to the curb.
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  #1036  
Old 06-21-2018, 11:44 AM
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keep asking yourself if he is he interested in fixing anything. he probably says he is, but do his actions back that up?

I think that's the thing I ignored most while soldiering on when I really should've cut my losses, so I'm probably projecting, but hopefully it's a useful metric for you.
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