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  #1  
Old 06-28-2018, 11:08 PM
shadowrunner shadowrunner is offline
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Default Hate my internship and in an awkward situation

I started an actuarial internship about a month ago and I absolutely hate my life. I always had anxiety and I have not been able to interact very well with most of the interns (just made 1 acquaintance). They aren't rude or anything, but I always had trouble socializing and I was fine with keeping to myself. My manager however has been encouraging me to hang out with the interns more and said behavior is a big part of whether or not you get a return offer (which I'm probably not going to get). I smile and stuff when I'm listening to people talk, but I just can't join the conversation. At this point, the interns have also stopped trying to talk to me cause they feel hopeless about me as well. The thing is I CANT interact with them...idk... i need to talk to a shrink or something, but I just get too anxious and have nothing in common. Furthermore, this has been affecting my work performance because I lack the courage to ask help from the other interns if I have any. I thus go to my manager for all my questions, but I'm starting to feel this is a problem because he wants me to find my own connections to get help. So now I'm hesitating to get help at all, which I know is worse than getting help from only my manager.

Right now I realize an office position probably won't be the right fit for me and that I will have to look elsewhere for a career. Until I fix my personal problems, I will probably have trouble in any office position.

What is freaking me out even more is that in a month the company sends interns that "meet expectations" to the headquarters and I feel like I'm most probably not going to get selected. This isn't meant to be a difficult thing to achieve... I very strongly believe I will be the only intern to not travel. I can't help but feel embarrassed that I will not only look like an outcast, but people will also realize that I am a complete failure at my work. I wouldn't care normally, but some of these people go to my school and I'll have to confront them again. I know this isn't a problem for most of you, but I can't help but feel guilty and embarrassed and inferior.

Moreover, I also don't catch whats happening in meetings. My manager brings me along to his meetings with his manager and the rest of the team, and I don't understand anything. They talk about what they're working on and I usually ask my manager 2-3 questions after the meeting just to make it seem like I'm paying attention but I barely understand whats going on. Furthermore, I find these meetings very very boring. I try to control myself, but I yawn atleast twice an hour during each meeting. I know this looks bad and I try to cover it, but I think people start to notice. I try to pay attention, but things just go in one ear and out the other.


I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking for, but I just needed to get this off my chest. I'll be graduating in 6 months and will most probably need to figure out what I'm going to do after college, but right now I am horribly depressed. I hate waking up in the morning -- I get stomach cramps during breakfast just knowing that I'll have to face my manager and the other interns today. Everyday I'm stressing my boss telling me I'm not travelling to the headquarters, and I'm not sure what I'll be doing if I'm the only intern in the office.... I just feel completely defeated.

Last edited by shadowrunner; 06-28-2018 at 11:30 PM..
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Old 06-28-2018, 11:19 PM
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Tiffany Tiffany is offline
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Talk to your doctor. Get on the meds. Thank me later.

Also, it's your first month. Nobody expects you to know anything.
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Old 06-28-2018, 11:20 PM
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Talk to your doctor. Get on the meds. Thank me later.

Also, it's your first month. Nobody expects you to know anything.
right but I also haven't been interacting properly. I think thats the major problem.
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Old 06-28-2018, 11:25 PM
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right but I also haven't been interacting properly. I think thats the major problem.
Because you're too anxious, I hear you. You are by no means alone in that regard.

The two things that helped me get over the "new job" anxiety were time, and then eventually, medications.

I'm not a doctor though. I'm just telling you that there are options for your particular situation as you've described it.
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Old 06-28-2018, 11:27 PM
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Also, this one internship is not going to be the be-all end-all opportunity of your entire career. Just relax, breathe, get what you can out of the experience and don't worry so much about what other people are thinking.
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Old 06-28-2018, 11:28 PM
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Because you're too anxious, I hear you. You are by no means alone in that regard.

The two things that helped me get over the "new job" anxiety were time, and then eventually, medications.

I'm not a doctor though. I'm just telling you that there are options for your particular situation as you've described it.
alright thanks.... ill certainly look into that in the near future.... i would do that right now but I am on my parents health insurance and I just don't want to add to all their stress with my depression and stuff. They are already busy/stressed as is. If there were a way to do this without their notice I'd go. Maybe I'll try to find a cheap clinic, but I doubt I can get any sort of meds on hand without going through their insurance.

thanks for your words.

Last edited by shadowrunner; 06-28-2018 at 11:32 PM..
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Old 06-28-2018, 11:42 PM
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you should talk to your parents and go through their health insurance.

do you have a decent relationship with your parents?
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Old 06-28-2018, 11:44 PM
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alright thanks.... ill certainly look into that in the near future.... i would do that right now but I am on my parents health insurance and I just don't want to add to all their stress with my depression and stuff. They are already busy/stressed as is. If there were a way to do this without their notice I'd go. Maybe I'll try to find a cheap clinic, but I doubt I can get any sort of meds on hand without going through their insurance.

thanks for your words.
You give me the obvious impression that you feel like you're alone and are a burden on other people. You're not. You can trust me, I'm a total self-proclaimed expert.

If your parents are the ones most likely to be your closest allies throughout a pending battle with depression, then tell them. It's okay to put your health first, and then the rest of what seems like the most important pieces of your life now, will just fall into place naturally as you start to feel better.
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Old 06-28-2018, 11:45 PM
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Totally ninja'd or however you say it.
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Old 06-28-2018, 11:52 PM
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Talk to a shrink if you can.

Read "how to make friends and influence people". Playing nice with the other interns is part of the job, it seems like you know that, so treat it like a job, don't treat it like you really want to be BFFs with them, just that you know having some sort of working relationship is useful. Call them by name, try to act like you care about their lives. It's OK for it to be acting, that is frankly part of corporate life.

If this internship doesn't pan out, life will go on.

Years ago I was convinced I was going to be fired for incompetence, and it freaked me out, I was really really stressed. Then I stepped back and thought, what's the worst thing that can happen, I can get fired, that's ok, I can move on from that. I'd suggest trying to get perspective if you can. There are lots of other employers and jobs, not working for whatever company you're at now is ok. That's all I got.
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