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  #161  
Old 10-16-2019, 05:50 PM
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'Cuz women, amirite?

Parsing quotes is something other people do.
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  #162  
Old 10-16-2019, 05:58 PM
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Seriously though. One of the two in the trash situation needs to be an adult. If he can't do that by stepping up and doing "his" chore, then she needs to do it by sitting him down and saying "look, the trash situation is stressing me out and making me miserable when it gets out of hand, could you please just be better about handling it whenever it needs taken out?" If he says "No" or argues about it with you, then there's a good chance that it's not really a chore problem but rather a respect problem.
I'm just catching up on this thread. I see there is a fair amount of back-and-forth on this particular point, and a number of folks seem to think that the article is saying you can't ever nag the spouse about doing their job. That's not true. The article says you bring it up at the weekly meeting. The point is not to nag the spouse throughout the week. But during the weekly meeting is absolutely the time to address the above.

Of course, the idea of having a weekly meeting can seem unnatural and kind of ridiculous. So if you don't go that route, perhaps a reasonable alternative is to just let the offending behavior go for several days before addressing it, as long as it's not something so bad as to be dangerous, costly, etc. And when you do bring it up, maybe bring up all your complaints at once. Consolidate it all to that one conversation, then do everything you can to be pleasant and supportive (but not nagging) until the next such necessary conversation.
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  #163  
Old 10-16-2019, 06:00 PM
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I was purposely being snarky to you, mostly because a lot of the time I assume you are trolling or being contradictory just for giggles. So I don't take very many of your comments seriously.

...

And the snide angry yogurt eating comments were meant to be funny, although maybe not necessarily funny "to you", since they were at your expense.
I don't troll, and I don't post contradictory stuff for giggles. I find that kind of behavior to be repellent and dishonest, so I don't do it.


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On a serious note though, if your husband usually cooks and frequently has dinner ready late and eating late is a physical issue for you (heartburn sucks) you should have a conversation about it if you haven't already. I'm assuming you've probably had the conversation at least once, and just not understanding why you put up with it.
It's a process, and it's something he's taken over relatively recently. He's well aware that his timing needs work. Nagging isn't an effective way to deal with an ADHD person.
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  #164  
Old 10-16-2019, 06:00 PM
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I'm just catching up on this thread. I see there is a fair amount of back-and-forth on this particular point, and a number of folks seem to think that the article is saying you can't ever nag the spouse about doing their job. That's not true. The article says you bring it up at the weekly meeting. The point is not to nag the spouse throughout the week. But during the weekly meeting is absolutely the time to address the above.

Of course, the idea of having a weekly meeting can seem unnatural and kind of ridiculous. So if you don't go that route, perhaps a reasonable alternative is to just let the offending behavior go for several days before addressing it, as long as it's not something so bad as to be dangerous, costly, etc. And when you do bring it up, maybe bring up all your complaints at once. Consolidate it all to that one conversation, then do everything you can to be pleasant and supportive (but not nagging) until the next such necessary conversation.
Yeah the weekly meeting idea sounds weird, but it might actually be weird enough that when you're actually having the meeting you aren't getting upset about being told you're doing something wrong (or not often enough, etc) because a weekly chore meeting is such a novel experience.
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  #165  
Old 10-16-2019, 06:14 PM
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WTF is he cooking that he has to start at 4:45 to be done at 7:30? Sounds more like he needs better meal picking skills. Or he needs to skip the "slaughter and clean the meat" stage of the process and just buy meat from the grocery store.


If it's taking 3 hours to cook a meal, it might not just be mental effort that's lacking.
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How would you remedy that situation in a way that doesn't involve additional mental effort on your part?
When somebody is doing something inefficiently, especially because they're inexperienced at it, it can be helpful to give ideas. But the delivery of those helpful ideas is very important. If it comes off as disrespectful, or "I can't believe I'm having to explain this to an adult," it doesn't go well.

When my wife and I first got married, I didn't know how to make grilled cheese. Yes, I was pathetic. When I first started cooking, everything took a long time to make, partly because I sometimes got ambitious, and followed an unnecessarily complex recipe. But other times, I would get distracted, especially if I had to help with parenting while cooking. I suck at multi-tasking. So once I got back from handling something with a kid, I'd take an inordinate amount of time to remember where I was in the recipe. But with practice, I got a lot better. Now I make BBQ that has done well in competitions. My wife comes to me for advice when cooking new things. But it took a long time, and a lot of patience on my wife's part, to get here.

You know what was the turning point for us? Kebabs, ready-made at the store. They already include meat and veggies, so they're a fairly complete meal all by themselves. They're delicious. They allow me to fire up and use the grill, which is enjoyable in itself. And they take very little time out of my schedule. I come home from work, turn on the gas grill, and change clothes while it preheats. I then walk outside, scrape the grill, throw on the meat, and 20 minutes later, we're ready to eat. And the whole family loves them every time. Years and years later, my wife still thanks me nearly every time, because this takes a responsibility off her shoulders those nights. And I feel almost guilty, because I know it's far less work on me to cook those kebabs than the work my wife puts into the vast majority of meals she cooks.

So, kebabs might be something you suggest to your husband, if he enjoys grilling at all. You also might want to get him a Thermapen (specifically the Mk IV) for a birthday or Christmas, so he can know very precisely when all meats are done on the grill.
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  #166  
Old 10-16-2019, 06:20 PM
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I don't troll, and I don't post contradictory stuff for giggles. I find that kind of behavior to be repellent and dishonest, so I don't do it.

It's a process, and it's something he's taken over relatively recently. He's well aware that his timing needs work. Nagging isn't an effective way to deal with an ADHD person.
No, nagging makes ADHD lockups worse.

Where does he get recipes? Even I have a hard time following some of the recipes I've downloaded from some websites.

There are ADHD cookbooks, and I don't mean the ones written by the wackadoodle celebrity mom's that "cured" their kid's ADHD because they started putting flaxseed in his pop tarts, I mean cookbooks with recipe instructions designed to be easier to follow/focus on for people with ADHD.

From what I've seen some of them are similar to the way Blue Apron sets up their recipe cards with steps/stages broken out and organized so that everything finishes around the same time, but also set up so that you're typically doing a bunch of similar tasks at the same time (chopping, seasoning, mixing, etc) even if all the ingredients aren't necessarily needed all at once.

A regular cookbook will have you chop 1 thing then throw it in a pan, and then chop something else while that is cooking and add it after a certain amount of time, which is a pain in the arse imo. If you're slow at chopping (like I am sometimes) then you start panicking that you're going to burn whatever veggie or meat you're browning, or you end up having to take the pan off the burner to give yourself more time and it cools off and things don't cook evenly, or any number of other issues that come from trying to do too many things at once. Online recipes can be even worse, because half the time you get random ads or pictures that fit into the print area weirdly and make it even more confusing because the text gets broken up.
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  #167  
Old 10-16-2019, 06:21 PM
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OTOH, i haven't made the bed or washed her clothes after day 2 of our marriage because i did it 'wrong'.
I don't let my wife wash a lot of my nicer clothes, but that's because she dries them too much, which makes them wear out faster. And then she leaves them in the dryer too long. I buy a lot of wrinkle-free stuff, but it only works if you pull it out promptly, and hang it in a way that doesn't add wrinkles. I think it's ok to be a little bit anal about the clothes I have to wear to work.

But I suspect you're saying your wife considered more frivolous things to be "washing clothes wrong."
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  #168  
Old 10-16-2019, 06:24 PM
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I don't let my wife wash a lot of my nicer clothes, but that's because she dries them too much, which makes them wear out faster. And then she leaves them in the dryer too long. I buy a lot of wrinkle-free stuff, but it only works if you pull it out promptly, and hang it in a way that doesn't add wrinkles. I think it's ok to be a little bit anal about the clothes I have to wear to work.

But I suspect you're saying your wife considered more frivolous things to be "washing clothes wrong."
I don't really remember but i think I dried something she wanted hung to dry so it wouldn't shrink. I also don't use softer as religiously as she does. I mean, those are legit things that I would do the way she wanted but she pretty much said don't bother, I'll do it. But that isn't what i was angling for, though I'm not complaining.
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  #169  
Old 10-16-2019, 06:25 PM
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I don't troll, and I don't post contradictory stuff for giggles. I find that kind of behavior to be repellent and dishonest, so I don't do it.
What are you even talking about? That's literally all you do.

Remember that time you said you weren't victim blaming while you were blatantly victim blaming? And you did it so much that you got banned for it? Then came back with an alt and did the same thing?

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Last edited by The Drunken Actuary; 10-16-2019 at 06:28 PM..
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  #170  
Old 10-16-2019, 06:26 PM
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What are you even talking about? That's literally all you do.
:ctm: I was gonna let her pretend for a bit...
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