NFL Week 5

[Abducens]

From the profootballtalk.com

Week 5 of the NFL Season:



Any Chance Rush will play Abe Lincoln (with a pointy white hat and robe) in a new Lincoln Financial Commercial with Donovan McNabb?

High Five
1. You just know that, at some point, someone in the 49ers organization is going to beat the holy hell out of Terrell Owens. We can only pray it’s captured on videotape.

2. Kurt Warner’s wife Brenda said in a radio interview that the Rams quarterback would welcome a trade to another team. Reportedly, Warner would also welcome the return of his testicles and the ability to speak for himself as well.

3. A number of players are returning this week from four-game suspensions for violating the league’s substance abuse policy, prompting the NFL to launch an advertising campaign promoting its commitment to inner cities. Sources say that the campaign’s tagline will be: “Removing drug addicts from your neighborhoods and putting them back where they belong – on the football field.”

4. Watched ESPN’s Playmakers the other night. Liked it better the first time, when it was called Oliver Stone’s Any Given Sunday.

5. While some see the football season as one quarter over and other see it as three quarters remaining, most people educated in U.S. public schools can’t add fractions and just stand there going, “Huh?”

Analysis, Weakly
Arizona at Dallas – Led by quarterback Quincy Carter (2 touchdowns, 3 interceptions, 73.8 passer rating), the Cowboys have the top-ranked offense in the league. I can repeat that statement to myself a thousand times and still not believe it’s true. Did I miss a memo or something?

Cincinnati at Buffalo – To be honest, the cataclysmic Biblical-type event that would be brought on by a Bengals’ two-game winning streak scares the hell out of me. Go Bills.

Denver at Kansas City – Both teams like to run, and they like to score. Reminds me of a nymphomaniac track star I used to date in high school. She was a handful.

Miami at N.Y. Giants – Both teams are 2-1 and coming off of a bye week. Both teams are looking to solidify their position atop their respective divisions. All the ingredients for the inexplicably lopsided blowout of the week.

Minnesota at Atlanta – Count me among those who watched the Vikes hammer the ‘Niners 35-7 and said, “Wow.” You can also count me among those who watched the Falcons lose 23-3 to the Panthers and said, “C’mon, guys, I know Michael Vick’s hurt and all, but could we maybe stop whining about it and start playing some football?”

New Orleans at Carolina – I’m not saying the Saints quit during Sunday night’s 55-21 loss to the Colts, but I could’ve sworn I saw a pizza delivery guy on the team’s sideline during the third quarter. In a related matter, I hadn’t seen receivers running through a secondary that wide open since, well, since the Saints played the previous week, actually. To say their defense sucks is an insult to prostitutes everywhere.

Oakland at Chicago – If the Cubs and Braves are playing a deciding Game 5 on Sunday, you literally won’t be able to give away tickets to this one. Not even if the tickets come with a case of beer, a stripper, and a year’s supply of chocolate pudding.

Seattle at Green Bay – The media will make a big deal about Mike Holmgren returning to Lambeau Field, the site of his greatest accomplishment, which I find completely offensive to those of us who’ve never had anything even remotely resembling a greatest accomplishment.

Tennessee at New England – Statistically, these teams are very evenly matched, meaning the game should be decided by something stupid like which team’s fans offer up more virgin sacrifices to Mediocre, the god of parity.

San Diego at Jacksonville – The good news is that someone will actually win this game. The bad news is that a small handful of people will actually pay to watch it. Me, I’d rather watch lepers oil wrestle.

Detroit at San Francisco – After watching most of the 49ers’ 35-7 loss to the Vikes Sunday, I’ve got to disagree with Terrell Owens. The ‘Niners problem is not that they don’t have heart. It’s that they apparently don’t have an f-ing clue. How do you have more time of possession, more total yardage, more yards rushing – and lose by 28 points?

Washington at Philadelphia – With the team having won a grand total of one (1) game this season, many pundits are claiming that the Eagles have once again established themselves as a playoff contender in the NFC. And, in case you didn’t know, the word “pundits” comes from the Spanish “pundititos,” which loosely translates to “big, stinky, horses’ asses who get overly excited by one victory.”

Cleveland at Pittsburgh – These two teams are a combined –5 in giveaway/takeaway ratio, meaning there should be more balls on the ground Sunday than at a castration festival in the jungles of Africa.

Indianapolis at Tampa Bay – Every time you hear the phrase “possible Super Bowl preview” this week, scream “cheap media ploy” at the top of your lungs. Then throw your left shoe at the TV and shout “Yahtzee.” Probably won’t accomplish anything, but it should be fun.

If you want to email Lloyd Faust it is OK to do so -- and this week we are not going to say anything mean about him -- really -- because he is a great guy -- really

[egg]

Think he could introduce me to that Nympho track star?

[Patience]

He would, but could you catch her??

[egg]

Yes.

[quentin cassidy]

Patience - see the attached link. yeah, he could catch her.

http://actuary.ca/phpBB/viewtopic.ph...light=marathon

egg wrote:

My goal is to just do the Ironman..After that it will be the Eco-Challenge, that however, might be 2 decades away.

I have done the National 24 hour challenge http://www.n24hc.org/, which is cycling not running, but it was a trial run to see if I could handle something like that. It went well enough that I haven't eliminated the possiblity of the eco challenge. I will give it another try this year - last year was to make sure I could do it, this year is for competitive purposes.

egg, how's your training going? i've been injured most of the summer, so no marathons for me this year.

[Patience]

& I just though he was humpty dumpty in a lounge chair

personally I don't like my eggs running

[egg]

Originally Posted by quentin cassidy

Patience - see the attached link. yeah, he could catch her.

http://actuary.ca/phpBB/viewtopic.ph...light=marathon

egg wrote:

egg, how's your training going? i've been injured most of the summer, so no marathons for me this year.

How long ago did I write that? I didn't do the 24 hour challenge this year stupid weddings.

I going to wait to finish my exams before I try the Ironman - I need the time to train not to study. I am running Disney this year. Training is just underway. I am in much better condition (I hope) this time around.

[whisper]

Originally Posted by gomer tree

Just for fun. Here is gomer's power rankings after four weeks:

32 - Chicago

I don't think Chicago is ranked low enough...

[quentin cassidy]

I did a full ranking on my own, and most are pretty close to yours. The ones that are different by more than a few spots are based more on what I expect from them than what they've done so far...

I'd have these teams about 5 spots higher: Miami, Philly, Atlanta, New Orleans

I'd have these about 5 spots lower: Minnesota, Green Bay (sorry), Cleveland, Cincy

[Patience]

MN is playing well and deserve their spot if not higher. Miami is just about right

NO has been awful and so has Atl. Atl maybe higher if Vick comes back

I would move Dallas & Houston up to 20 / 21

I would move Jax to 31 & SD to 27

asnd GB needs to prove a lot, but would drop them quite a few spots

StL behind Wash & Pitt

Phila hasn't proven it, but should move up to at least 14 soon