A Thought

[Agadefe]

When people are mean to other people, try to hurt their feelings or get angry over little things, it's probably because they are unhappy with their lives.

If I'm happy enough with my life not to be mean to others or lose my temper, why should I be upset if someone loses their temper at me?

It makes more sense to give the angry person a hug or some words of encouragement, and tell them it's alright.

[asdfasdf]

While nice in principle we have a hard wired fight / flight response to conflict. I can feel the adrenalin when those confrontational situations start, and regardless of how much I want to avoid escalation it can cloud judgement.

[Agadefe]

Originally Posted by asdfasdf

While nice in principle we have a hard wired fight / flight response to conflict. I can feel the adrenalin when those confrontational situations start, and regardless of how much I want to avoid escalation it can cloud judgement.

I agree.

It's just strange that something that's logically so true, yet is so difficult to do. I think I can train my mind to have a different response.

[The Drunken Actuary]

I need specific examples.

[Anitha Desai]

I'm trying to teach myself these days that I cannot control people's actions. I can only control my own response to their actions or words. The way I respond is a clue to my state of mind/emotions at the time that I respond.

My response is a commentary on me, rather than a commentary on the instigator.
So tough to do.

[Agadefe]

Originally Posted by The Drunken Actuary

I need specific examples.

-Somebody calls you and you tell them it's the wrong number. They don't believe you, because they think that the person they are calling is avoiding them and starts yelling at you. You yell back, but really you should be comforting them.
-You are driving on the road and almost get in an accident that was no one's fault. The other person starts honking and drives next to you and flips you off. You get angry, when really you should roll down the window, apologize, and tell them that they are a wonderful human being.
-Your cashier made a mistake when charging you. When you calmly go back and explain it to him, he gets agitated and angry with you and starts yelling at you for no reason. You yell back when you really should pat his shoulder, and tell him that it's alright.

Originally Posted by Anitha Desai

I'm trying to teach myself these days that I cannot control people's actions. I can only control my own response to their actions or words. The way I respond is a clue to my state of mind/emotions at the time that I respond.

My response is a commentary on me, rather than a commentary on the instigator.
So tough to do.

So true.

[yoyo]

sounds like the little AOers are starting to grow up

Originally Posted by Agadefe

I think I can train my mind to have a different response.

Read this book - it'll help:
http://www.amazon.com/Turning-Mind-I.../dp/157322345X

[ShebaPoe]

Originally Posted by Anitha Desai

I'm trying to teach myself these days that I cannot control people's actions. I can only control my own response to their actions or words. The way I respond is a clue to my state of mind/emotions at the time that I respond.

My response is a commentary on me, rather than a commentary on the instigator.
So tough to do.

You will see looks that cannot be described when a person gets angry at you and you say something like "I'm not responsible for your anger"

or sadness, or some other feeling.

They'll be silent and you'll say "You're responsible for that".

This will be a fun time for you.

[ShebaPoe]

Originally Posted by Agadefe

-Somebody calls you and you tell them it's the wrong number. They don't believe you, because they think that the person they are calling is avoiding them and starts yelling at you. You yell back, but really you should be comforting them.
-You are driving on the road and almost get in an accident that was no one's fault. The other person starts honking and drives next to you and flips you off. You get angry, when really you should roll down the window, apologize, and tell them that they are a wonderful human being.
-Your cashier made a mistake when charging you. When you calmly go back and explain it to him, he gets agitated and angry with you and starts yelling at you for no reason. You yell back when you really should pat his shoulder, and tell him that it's alright.

Do note that there is massive entertainment value in NOT doing what you describe, but in fact escalating situations.