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#2
07-20-2011, 04:25 PM
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Nitpick: "detail oriented" [not "detailed"]
Style: list skills in group of 3 (choose one to drop, e.g., interpersonal seems included in team building and communication). The majority of sentences begin with "I am ...." That appears unnecessarily egocentric. Find a variation that focuses on the job.
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I thought this WAS a real job 
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#3
07-20-2011, 05:05 PM
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"In response to the Company Name's advertisement for the actuarial assistant position posted at Monster.com, I am submitting my resume that outlines my relevant experience and credentials." {this sentence leads more smoothly into your 2nd paragraph}
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#4
07-20-2011, 05:10 PM
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It's a very standard-looking letter. Nothing stands out as being particularly negative or positive. Which overall is probably good, as most letters seem to have more negatives.
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#6
07-20-2011, 09:54 PM
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Why do you have two different formats for your exams?
If this is for a SOA-track position, say "P, FM, and MLC". If it is for a CAS-track position, you can either say "1, 2, and MLC" or "1, 2, and 3L" since MLC gives you credit for 3L.
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#7
07-21-2011, 01:04 AM
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Yeah, the sentence about the exams is a little hard to read. Maybe you should just put the number of exams? Presumably the reader will next look at the resume where the exams are listed.
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#8
07-21-2011, 07:40 AM
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2nd paragraph in particular seems to duplicate what you'll have in your resume. perhaps leave first paragraph, and try to put something in letter that adds something NOT in resume, like what in particular attracts you to that specific company. Otherwise, you may as well just say "please see attached resume" because that's all your letter does for me.
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Where others memorize the letters in chunks, you have the insight to turn those letters into notes! *Every Good Boy Does Fine!* You laugh in the face of normal language and instead choose to use singspiel! *Did you come from Germany?* When everyone in the room turns and stares at you playing the desk, you sing your song! Here's to you Mr. Actuarial Answer Music Guy for showing everyone that a major in music isn't completely worthless!
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