Actuarial Outpost
 
Go Back   Actuarial Outpost > Cyberchat > Non-Actuarial Topics
FlashChat Actuarial Discussion Preliminary Exams CAS/SOA Exams Cyberchat Around the World Suggestions


Upload your resume securely at https://www.dwsimpson.com
to be contacted when our jobs meet your skills and objectives.


Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
  #1  
Old 02-05-2016, 04:00 PM
lit041000 lit041000 is offline
Member
Non-Actuary
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The men's restroom
Studying for my annual dental checkup
Posts: 1,442
Default I just pooped my pants at work

Sit down children. Have I got a story for you. Today, at the ripe age of 29, I pooped my pants at work. Pull up a chair and pops will tell you all about it.

This morning I drank some prune juice. It keeps the system flowing. Needless to say, when I get to work, I take 2 explosive dumps. The coast is clear, I think.

Then I get a tingle. The tingle that I have gas and maybe more. I get up to go to the restroom and make the executive decision that this is just a warm pre-game fart. My plan - release the gas and head to the restroom for another dump. What happened - I released an amazon storm of loose stool into my boxers. Instantly, I had splash damage on every appendage within a yard of the leak. Oh my god, I just shit my pants.

I speed waddle to the nearest restroom. These restrooms have only one big stall and I need to get it in right ****ing now. In the big stall, I can drop trousers and no one will see me. Locked. Some dbag is already in there.

I dive into the small stall and execute plan b. Clear out some of the damage and wait for the big stall to clear. It was a massacre. My boxers were done for. I'm clearing up the murder scene and the guy next to me is not moving a muscle. He sits for a full 10 minutes not making a single move. I want to murder him. I briefly consider talking to him through the stall and asking that he gtfo. But anonymity is key in these crises.

He finally gets up to leave. I have to get a look at my tormentor through the slit in the door. So I wait. He leaves and boom..we make eye contact. He knew.

I wait for the bathroom to clear and then bolt to the big stall. I get my boxers off and scurry to my pants back on. The next moment of truth - I have to take this dirty wad of boxers and make it to the front of the bathroom where the trashcan is. This is a 5 yard stretch where at any moment someone could open the door and ask me wtf I am doing holding a dirty pair of boxers. Sprint, dive, done. Boxers are in the trash can.

I wash my hands like an ebola patient and initiate phase 2 of the cleaning. Paper towels and soap. I'm back in the big stall cleaning up the splash damage again. I can't throw the paper towels in the toilet because that's a dick move. The next moment of truth - I have to get these now-brown paper towels into the trash. But wait! Someone comes in the door.......to ****ing brush their teeth. This guy is brushing his ****ing teeth and I've got viet cong all over my headquarters. He brushes his teeth for the longest three minutes of my life.

He leaves. With the faith of one thousand men, I run the final leg of this awful relay race and dump the paper towels in just in time.

I wash my hands again and leave like nothing happened. The faint smell of steak trails my 6. I have made it. I am finally a man again. 29 years of living has culminated in my finest hour. It's all downhill from here.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 02-05-2016, 04:02 PM
The Drunken Actuary's Avatar
The Drunken Actuary The Drunken Actuary is offline
Member
CAS SOA Non-Actuary
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Favorite beer: Early and Often
Posts: 86,149
Default

tl;dnr imo
__________________
I think the dollar will crash irreparably by 2012.... bottom drops out of the dollar. ....Dollars are worthless, 401ks are bust, the markets are valueless...government assumes control over all industry and everything is nationalized by the end of 2012. - gomer_tree
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 02-05-2016, 04:02 PM
Colonel Smoothie's Avatar
Colonel Smoothie Colonel Smoothie is offline
Member
CAS
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
College: Jamba Juice University
Favorite beer: AO Amber Ale
Posts: 49,734
Default

cool story bro?
__________________
Recommended Readings for the EL Actuary || Recommended Readings for the EB Actuary

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wigmeister General View Post
Don't you even think about sending me your resume. I'll turn it into an origami boulder and return it to you.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 02-05-2016, 04:03 PM
erosewater's Avatar
erosewater erosewater is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: my mom's basement
Studying for your mom
Favorite beer: Schlitz
Posts: 66,677
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by lit041000 View Post
I drank some prune juice

make the executive decision that this is just a warm pre-game fart
all of the , all of them
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 02-05-2016, 04:04 PM
erosewater's Avatar
erosewater erosewater is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: my mom's basement
Studying for your mom
Favorite beer: Schlitz
Posts: 66,677
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Drunken Actuary View Post
tl;dnr imo
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 02-05-2016, 04:06 PM
JollyGoodFCAS's Avatar
JollyGoodFCAS JollyGoodFCAS is offline
Member
CAS AAA
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Earth (most of the time)
Favorite beer: Beer-Sheva
Posts: 37,705
Default

Prune juice? I thought only guys like Len Myers did that....
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by lit041000 View Post
FCAS is the yoda of puns. He sprinkles little treasures when the pun gods smile upon us
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 02-05-2016, 04:07 PM
BruteForce's Avatar
BruteForce BruteForce is offline
Member
SOA AAA
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Studying for More Money
Favorite beer: Wurzel Bier
Posts: 11,751
Default

I would be harder on you, but I have done this. Although mine was not at work, and not nearly as bad. I also had given myself food poisoning the night before.
__________________
ASA

Quote:
Originally Posted by Actuary321 View Post
I would really hate to bring Pokémon to a gun fight.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 02-05-2016, 04:08 PM
erosewater's Avatar
erosewater erosewater is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: my mom's basement
Studying for your mom
Favorite beer: Schlitz
Posts: 66,677
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by lit041000 View Post
Today, at the ripe age of 29

I drank some prune juice
the fug is wrong with you?
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 02-05-2016, 04:08 PM
MAX.'s Avatar
MAX. MAX. is offline
Official AO Master Chef
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: land of the Wild Things
Posts: 20,935
Default

Thanks for the laugh
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 02-05-2016, 04:08 PM
Abused Student's Avatar
Abused Student Abused Student is offline
Member
SOA
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: The Eighth Circle of Hell
Favorite beer: Cold and lots of it
Posts: 42,298
Default

Dude, don't care how well you washed your hand, do not shake my hand today.
__________________
GAME ON!!!!!!! Let your ness show. Join the D&D fun. Started but applications still accepted


Officially assigned the role of Dictator, 9/30/09. Bow to my whims.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:04 AM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
*PLEASE NOTE: Posts are not checked for accuracy, and do not
represent the views of the Actuarial Outpost or its sponsors.
Page generated in 0.25082 seconds with 7 queries